Thank you, may I have another?

We had a rather good night stream a few nights ago, equal parts inane nonsense and “deep” conversation. Something I touched on has been sticking with me. I talked about all these good things going on in life, my apartment, this new bakery that pays way more, is closer, is less work, and gives me the opportunity to help those less fortunate. I’m meeting new people and even being given a number or two or three. At the same time I was reeling from whatever it is that picture did to me and the reality of being done with my family and grieving that. I felt ungrateful for being so miserable despite so many good things happening for me but if I’m to give myself some leeway, it’s a particularly prominent pain point and something I’ve always been especially raw about. 

  A line from a series I tried watching has popped up in my head, a kid asks his mother what depression is, and she described it as “it’s like when all your nerves are raw” I’ve heard that analogy used to describe BPD as well. Anyway I’ve felt pretty raw, naked even for the last few days or weeks, but I think I’m getting better *knock on wood* Sometimes I feel I must always try to present positive things because people respond to that and tell me it inspires them to do better when they see me doing better, so sometimes I hesitate to talk about anything else. I also hesitate to post these days. 

  Many years ago I saw a post on 4chan where an anonymous user asked how to be more like Keanu Reeves. The first response was only one word: “suffer”. That’s stuck with me for what I estimate to be ten years at this point. It truly resonated as you might say, I am deeply grateful for my suffering. Suffering teaches empathy, and it forces change. I’ve changed so so much in a lot of ways. It takes a lot of violence to make someone kind. 

  I can turn off my feelings, I don’t have to experience empathy, but when things get bad enough I lose the ability and spiral. I’m happy that’s the case. Sure what doesn’t kill you could leave you crippled, but it could also lead to so much more. I made these rice krispies today. Almond butter with a toffee peanut chocolate crumble on top. I delivered pieces in tupperwares to my neighbors. The other day it was shrimp pesto with an avocado serrano sauce. Think i’ll do something with the 2 pounds of salmon I’ve got tomorrow. I’ve started to enjoy cooking again, especially for the people around me. 

There’s a lot of people I might miss forever. 

I need to have enough space within me to hold that grief too, along with everything else. 

I’ve been trying to ask myself “what would the ideal version of myself do” more often and act that way. 

Tonight at least, I feel some peace.