I love the concept of romance, I love my angst, I love the dark.
At the end of most days I deliberate with myself over whether or not I should disappear from my online work for a long period of time to process things. I’m not sure what else I would do with my time. I do just want to go have some peace & quiet, not have to respond to anyone. At some point last year or the year before, I really wanted to take a trip to Alaska. I imagined myself renting a cabin in the deep winter, then one day being too tired or simply just forgetting to light a fire, then freezing in my sleep. I once more need a long period of rest.
Over the years, I’ve often struggled with this thing where it feels like I’ll have to sacrifice significant portions of my personal freedom to have some of the things I seem to want. When I was on the dating apps for example, I felt compelled to censor myself everywhere to make me seem more palatable to anyone who was interested. When I’m in a relationship, I can’t afford to travel as much or for as long as I’d like to sometimes because the health of my relationships would suffer. That’s been the case historically anyways, as with my last two significant ones. I often find myself in positions where I have to lie to maintain peace, I’ve grown to very much dislike lying. I was a very talkative child, I had to lie a lot. I really don’t talk much these days.
It’s most likely an idiotic and juvenile thought, but it’s one I find romantic nonetheless. I’ve always had the notion that the most important thing to me in my existence is having my freedom. Only doing what I want to do at all times. When I have this freedom, it usually means I am all alone. No one around to judge or chastise me, also means no one around to share and engage with. Either way, I’m simply never satisfied.
Lately when I close my eyes, I see an image of what I believe is myself, walking into a dark forest. Going off into the woods to sleep. At the base of a colossal tree, on a thick bed of moss. It’s twilight on christmas eve, I hear an owl somewhere off in the distance. I love the New England winter.
The tree is singing to me, she’s holding me gently, it’s a hymn for Guanyin. I’m going to sleep, I’m going to sleep.
I’m going
