Pine nut pasta

  There’s a scene in this movie I’m watching. It’s about a woman and her super troubled teen son. She leaves her son with her neighbor for home schooling (he’s too disruptive for any school), and of course he has an outburst with the neighbor, being abusive to her in the same way he is with his mother and everyone else. This time however, he’s met his match, the lady snaps back. She pins him on the floor, screams at him, brings up his dead father. I mean she’s so thoroughly frightening that he pisses himself. The next scene featuring those two, he’s brushing the hair out of her face and they’re going to prepare a lunch surprise for his mother. I suppose they’re reconciling, and of course, it’s charged with an entirely inappropriate tension. 

   Watching it, my heart felt full. It was comforting, her terrorizing behavior aroused me. “This is what I want, she’s what I need” 

Then I remembered this stupid comic with a talking cat or other animal of some sort. It’s roommate remarks about being excited that he was going on a date with a “mean goth girl” or something like that. The cat responds by offering the idea that maybe it’s roommate’s attraction to mean, abusive women isn’t a funny meme or normal thing, but rather as a result of serious trauma he needed to process. Then I remembered something a friend said, that I was so used to and familiar with abusive situations that I seek them out in my current relationships because that’s what’s comfortable. 

Stupid fucking cartoon cat killed my heart boner. 

fuck man, what’s wrong with me hahahaha 

Anyway, I got my baby sister a debit card connected to my bank account. I don’t have much but at least she won’t have to struggle as much or deal with quite as many moments of hearing “no we don’t have the money”

She’ll be able to uber to the mall or the movie theater or the basketball games with her friends. I just hope nothing bad happens to her with the money and mobility I’m providing her. I’d die if that were to happen. 

It’s funny, the kid in this movie has the same type of long board that I do, what are the odds? 

Currently in the movie, the the tutor is teaching him how to shave. 

Now that I live alone, there’s nothing to stop me from grieving. But now that I live alone, there’s nothing to stop me from grieving.

What I’m really afraid of the most, is feeling that same type of regret I felt that time I was overdosing.

I am the saddest boy in the whole wide world! If I die first my mom will think I went to hell.