Animal crackers in my soup, monkeys and rabbits

  I spend a lot of time having these very intense daydreams. There was a man standing in front of me on the bus today. I spent a large portion of the ride imagining what it would be like if he started a fight with me. I’d stab his eyes with my keys, then punch his nose. His sinuses would swell up, he wouldn’t be able to see or breathe too well, his whole system would very suddenly be freaking out. The next scene I see is myself crouching over his body, chewing through his carotid artery. With every beat of his tachycardic heart, a massive spurt of blood would gush into my mouth. I’d feel it spray against the roof, run between my teeth. It’s an almost scalding 98.6 degrees. There would be muffled screaming in the background, someone would hit me over the head with something, but I’d keep going.When I was done eating, I’d get off the bus and sit on the curb, waiting for the police to arrive and shoot me. “calm as a hindu cow”. 

At the same time,in real life, I've been shopping for a statue of Guanyin, to make a shrine I can pray to every morning, for more strength and compassion towards my fellow man. I hoped desperately I wouldn’t run into any of my friends or neighbors as I climbed up the steps to my apartment. Sometimes I can’t speak, and can only shoot people wide eyed stares, I don’t know why. It’s not in my control. Luckily I didn’t run into anyone, I hurried inside and looked in the mirror. I am beautiful today thankfully, I must have also been beautiful yesterday, the way the middle aged HR ladies kept flirting with me so heavily. I wish I was beautiful every day. It’s another one of those days where thinking about my physicality being perceived makes me want to jump off of something very tall. For now however, my bed. 

  There are people trying to reach out to me, I can’t seem to get myself to engage with them, I want everyone to run away, I’m radioactive again. Without intending or trying to, people around me seem to get their feelings hurt, some even write poetry about me, isn’t that sweet? “like a spider who makes friends with flies”  was my answer to the therapists prompt: “how would you describe yourself”. 

  In my bed, I’m hearing the cars go by. Today I am the void inside me. It’s grown and now that’s all I am, It maws. 

At least I’m beautiful today.