Last night’s love affair was on the eve of our solstice.

   I slept with someone last night, for the first time since December, since my last partner. I later realized that it was a year ago on this month that we had  initiated things, six months ago that we ended them. I didn’t feel like I was cheating this time at least, it felt a bit like the true and final ending of things. A line from a poetry book I read a few years back kept repeating itself in my head: something something “how will I explain myself when you ask where my hands have been”. I wonder if my first girlfriend felt like this when she had to report to me that she had indeed slept with someone else during our little two week break up. It feels like my last few relationships have been some sort of karma. I’m learning a lot about being on the other side of things.  

   “Expect a major shake up in your love lives, and most likely the return of an ex to really test your growth and progress!” so said the astrology folks on tik tok for aquarius and scorpio individuals.  Both of my major signs getting the same message?! Admittedly I was holding out some hope, as I had randomly started missing them again. Oscillating between that, and disdainful thoughts and memories. 

    It was good. A bit awkward naturally as we tried to learn each other’s rhythms, fun nonetheless. Definitely a bittersweet affair. She left at 1AM on her yellow bicycle. I went to sleep immediately and dreamt of nothing. Seems time to smoke and drink and watch House M.D. again. I had just been talking about how I don’t think I’m a good enough person to be a doctor after all. 

How will I explain myself indeed? Today I will sleep and shut the world off.