Life is beautiful and you have time.

There’s an odd sort of freedom that I gain access to when things threaten to be at their worst. When the walls are closing in, it’s hard to care much about what your boss is gonna think, or how many views the video is gonna get, whether or not you remembered to brush your teeth this morning.

I suppose it’s not so odd. Hard to care about silly things like that when you feel you’re dealing with other matters, those of life and death. I sometimes wish I could be that way all the time. I behave so embarrassingly in such public fashion, I rarely consider that others can see me. It would be nice to simply not care.

A few weeks ago Gia told me she and some other friends were talking about me. Nothing bad of course, but this was harrowing. Please don’t look at me! Don’t think about me! Forget I exist! Please! I can’t seem to stop caring about that no matter what huh? hahaha

I’ve been thinking…

If it’s the little things in which you can find great joys and meaning in life, it must also be within the little things that you might find the splinters that drive you mad. The pearl necklace breaking, the internet scammer threatening to overdraft the account that already doesn’t have anywhere near enough money in it for daily needs. This too? on top of everything? Spending a holiday you never cared about alone. Y’know that sort of thing.

When things get this way, I hope they get worse. Hope really is an insidious thing, but its rarely framed that way.

If I keep trying, eventually I will find success, right?