laissez, it’s the way you act
“you may not see or hear from me for a while, I’m sorry”
“that’s okay, I’ll be here”
“I’m sorry, I just can’t honestly commit at this time, it would feel dishonest”
“I get that, take your time”
“I’m going away for a while, I dont know when I’ll be back”
“I trust that you’ll come back to me, take care”
This is her attitude and response to anything and everything I throw at her.
I blink and it’s been four nights that she’s slept in my bed.
I realize this is the difference between her and every other would be suitor or bed mate. It’s the reason she’s successful when no one else seems to be able to breach the infinite harrowing walls.
Is it really so simple? Am I so simple?
Well… yes actually.
I knew this already, “that which submits,rules.”
I know it, yet it’s been so hard for me to apply and embody. As a therapist once told me I am indeed constantly white knuckling my life. Accounting for every variable and outcome, wrestling for control, resisting.
I would get angry at myself, after all the books and meditations and ideas, even though I know what to do and how to be I still found myself doing perhaps the exact opposite and repeatedly falling into the same pits.
I’m how old again? walking home from school, falling into a trench on the side of the road. The scar on my leg will last well into my teenage years. Surely I was far far far too young to be walking home by myself?!?
MOM?! WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENED TO ME? WHAT IF SOMEONE TOOK ME?? MOM!!!
The more time I spend away from my family the more this fog lifts. The more I remember and the angrier I become, but really what is there to be done?
I’m going to take a page out of her book.
The situation is as it is, I’ll approach it with the same readiness of acceptance she does.
She might look down upon herself but I see a really decent and tenacious individual that I’m actually a bit inspired by. A lot inspired by rather.
A readiness and willingness to accept. Her laissez-faire attitude.
The house is far too quiet without her in it.
