do damage due diligence

I wasn’t able to sleep much last night. My body would freeze and lock, then I’d feel my awareness begin to fall diagonally into it, fall far and deep. This was losing consciousness, falling asleep. It’s a problem when you’re aware it’s happening though, it’s a very frightening sensation. An out of body experience inside your body, what a riot. It’s not new, it happened a lot when we, I. I was still I back then, when I was a kid. My body would go to sleep, and I couldn’t move it anymore, but I was still very conscious. I would lay there for however many hours the body needed, and I’d just think the entire time. It was scary the first time, I tried screaming for my mother whenever I became aware that I was trapped in there. She told me often that when I was born she asked god to make it so that she could feel whatever I was feeling so she’d always know how to help me. How ironic then that she’s been the source of so much malaise. I digress. I’d lay there, dead to the world, perceiving all of it, this was fine, there was a lot to think about, and I wasn’t yet weary of doing so much constant non stop 24/7 thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking. These days, I’m tired. When I came to America I learned this was called sleep paralysis, and I learned to fear it. What used to be a nightly occurrence has become very rare, I can’t remember the last time until last night. I think though, or I get the sense that, if I go into the places I’m afraid of, I can become whole. So I will.

I’m going to stop running away, I’m going to stop trying to relate,I’m going to stop feigning morality, Im going to stop entertaining the machinations of mankind. I don’t really care anyway.

No more pretending.

I hope you’ve enjoyed learning my secrets and seeing my morbid , gruesome, nakedness. I’m leaving it all behind.

Apocrypha Sinclair

Season Two

End.

Afterword:

To my wife (and other poems):

Chess.