I want your partner really fucking badly

One day my co worker Alec from Florida was giving me a ride home as I vented and lamented about how my girlfriend had slept with someone else on my birthday during one of our fights.

Some guy from her acting school she was supposed have blocked long ago.

Alec’s response was, “ay bro I’m not gonna lie to you, if we were at a club drunk and your girl came up to me, I’d do it to you”.

Let me tell you its quite a difficult thing to render me genuinely and sincerely speechless, I always have a witty quip locked and loaded, ready to fire. But in that instance, I sat there in Alec from Florida’s passenger seat, genuinely stunned, not only speechless, my thoughts were also completely halted from the shock. No words, no thoughts.

In hindsight, I appreciate Alec, he was the only person offering me the truth.

Fast forward a year or so, I’d returned home from college and was in one of my divine madness phases, meaning I’d accompanied my family to church this fine Sunday. I came down from my mania during the end of the sermon, and as I scrambled to make my way out I noticed this guy Timmy trying to track me down from across the crowd. I did my best to pretend I didn’t notice his beckoning. Somehow, he made his way through the shifting mass of people and almost forcefully grabbed my hand to dap him up. I still feel humiliated about it to this day.

You must understand, Timmy was one of the guys my darling girlfriend slept with. They’d been friends for a while due to some extracurriculars, and he and I had been acquainted via church. From the minute I saw them in the same room together, I told her, “hey Timmy has a crush on you”,she denied it as though it was the most unbelievable thing in the world. Lo and behold, here he was, knowing that I knew he had fucked my ex,that I was quite torn up from the break up, dapping me up with this little fucking grin on his face.

Timmy hadn’t liked me for a while, I don’t know if its because I was dating his crush or some prior interactions from church but oh my god he finally got his get back didn’t he?

I’m still fucking mad about it writing this. During one of our earlier fights her friend Italo also engaged with her, so did my friend Nori, and my friend Sol, I introduced them both to her.

I mean can you fucking imagine how generationally salty I am? I hated all these people, I wanted to kill Sol especially, to me, being the kind of person who would sleep with your friend’s partner, or ex even, was the worst kind of scum.

Early last year, two separate couples offered me the position of being their third, as the wound of losing mon coeur was still fresh, I couldn’t bear the even entertain the idea. They’re all friends of mine now, and as I look upon their relationship, I find myself almost regretting not taking them up on their offers. I’m well aware I would have been too sad to go through with it, and I was still desperately clinging on to the hope that my love would return to me and I could say to them proudly that I never let anyone else touch what was theirs so, there’s no use regretting it but, hey, I want to fuck your partner’s brains out! And yours too, and yours.

I never will, perhaps even if offered, you see I’m so desperate to have more “real friends” that I wouldn’t jeopardize our friendships for any momentary carnal pleasures but I do think about it a lot. When I snap myself out of one of my day dreaming fantasies I feel the same disgust towards myself that I felt for my friends. I feel a sort of righteous indignation as well. I have a very fantastical, naive, idealized view of relationships. It’s never what they actually are IRL but, I can’t deny the fact that part of me refuses to relinquish the belief perpetually longs for something pure and impermeable, a perfect dyad. A partnership where we’d know the worst parts of each other and know our shadows are the same sort of sick monsters, one where our friends always refer to us as a couple name, an amalgamation of our names, because they know no matter what were up to the other would be involved.

It will never be, I know, if only because I myself am a massive hypocrite when it comes to my righteous anger but still. I value the idea of such a thing so much that it infuriates me to no end that people would pervert the sanctity of their partnerships in such ways and yet, here I am. Realizing I am no better than all those people from my past, in fact I may be worse. No, I definitely am worse. To have such a strong sense of justice and yet to have no real conscience? to feel no true remorse except for those mistakes which wound me fatally?

Actually, I want both of you. I want both of you really badly, I thought about sucking you off so frequently for a while there, and now I think about holding your lover while you watch. So now I look back and think, do I really hate my friends still for doing that? No, not really, I sort of get it now, Alec was sort of right, though I feel like I could never actually do it. I think the wanting itself is better anyway. Empathy for my enemies?

I think a lot about how many friendships and even relationships have come about directly because people met through me. Whether in real life, or through the streams and defunct discords. I burn with jealousy when I observe them hanging out, doing things, engaging with each other without me.

WHAT YOU HAVE ONLY EXISTS BECAUSE OF ME

STOP LEAVING ME OUT

WHY DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS LEAVE ME OUT

I KNOW I’M SHIT BUT STOP LEAVING ME OUT

PLEASE INVITE ME

“which one are you? I can’t quite place it.”

SHUT UP WHY DON’T THEY LIKE ME?!

“they do like us”

“THEN WHY”

“Well, we’ve gone really far out of our way to make ourselves inaccessible haven’t we?”

“THE GLASS WALL?! AGAIN?”

“Yes, that perpetual divider”

“I’m not quite a person am I?”

“I think you are, I think its very very human the way you operate.”

“that’s even worse, I’m so scared of people, I hate them”

“don’t be silly, you fall in love with every single person you meet.”

I really wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I was a good person, I wish I wasn’t a slithering monster. It may seem as simple as taking responsibility for my thoughts and actions and choosing to act differently, but I’m telling you it’s really not me! I’m not in control! I don’t want any of this!

Stay away!!! I must scar my face and cut my tongue so you won’t be lured in!

Hark! beware Sinclair! son of man, monster to all!