Twenty-Seven
There was a girl asleep at the bus stop today, she woke up, walked across the street, came back around and waited for the bus with the rest of us. She looked very disheveled, hair tattered and all over the place, clothes not quite fitting right, one of her top’s straps was rolling down her arm etc. I’m sure people looked at her and wondered what drugs she was on. I did too, but then I found myself feeling envious of her rather. When we all got on the bus, she boldly asked the bus driver to let her ride for free, to which he agreed. She sat in the seats across from me and promptly fell asleep. I was jealous, she seemed…. SHE SEEMED FINE! Content, at peace, just going with it and asking for whatever she needed, she didn’t seem to care about anyone staring at her! Me? I was sulking, scowling. Another not great day at work, despite it being a very light work load, and working one on one with my favorite head chef. I fucked up a few simple things, though to be fair, I wasn’t given proper info, I caught a few things myself etc etc. I continue to be really horrible at piping rosettes. I just felt like shit. A lot of people had troubles with their bus passes one way or the other. The driver always scolded them and they would walk sheepishly into a seat. Not like that girl! Who shamelessly asked for a free ride, got it, and returned to her peaceful slumber. I entertained the idea of gathering my next 2 paychecks, flying to hawaii and then just dying once my luck ran out or something, idk.
I’m not sure if I’m just a fuck up or unlucky or both but man, shit sucks. I don’t know that I’m cut out for this way of living in America but really I’m not sure what the fuck to do anymore. I was thinking about this idea I had. If past lives are real, maybe some people are made to live long miserable lives as a sentence for how shitty they were in the past. Maybe that’s why my mate died when we were 16, he was a real sweet guy. There were two older men in front of me, one was eating hot chips while complaining about something with his gastrointestinal system I think. He licked his fingers and pulled on the line to request a stop as he complained to this other guy who had lacerations which looked like surgery scars on his head, was missing an arm, the other deformed, and walked with a cane.
I felt contempt for the first one, but then I started thinking about why people live like this. Despite being in so much clear suffering. Is killing your self really so hard? I figure I’ll try my best for the next two years to make a decent existence for myself then give that a go.
On the other hand, I admired them for continuing to tough it out despite such circumstances, and wondered what they had that I don’t, to keep them going on.
I made a new recipe today with whole raspberries for a friend who said they liked them, made raspberry whip as well, saw a cool dog, it was massive. I mean like 4 feet tall on all fours. Saw a cool car, a little kid said hello to me with a big smile on her face as I came out of the kitchen, I said hello back enthusiastically. It made me smile. I saw some nice flowers on the way home, discovered some really great new classical.
So not all bad, still though, kinda wish I’d just die already.
