I can only think of lemon curd and how I won’t make it till next Christmas
I dreamt I was someone else
they looked slightly like me, with a shaved head, and uneven hairline but with the same widows peak, eyes slightly far apart l, I think they looked good actually. I… they, no... I! looked in the mirror examining my new face
earlier yesterday i'd been wondering if there isn't more to dreams than just your brain processing thoughts and memories, wonder if we go elsewhere, be other.
On the bus ride home I listened to amor sacro and found myself thinking something along the lines of “what if everyone is me, what if I am everyone” I got very immersed in the imagining. There I went running in the hot summer sun, there I was asleep on the bus, there I was walking my dogs, there I was spitting at someone’s souped up car, there I was limping with my walker, trying to get off the bus.
There was something calming, comforting about the thought, the exercise. I think I’ll keep it going. Earlier that day, on the bus ride to work, I saw someone wearing an iconic hat from Bleach in a donut shop the bus went by. Earlier this month, a guy in the row behind me was wearing the same hat when I went to see spiderverse for the first time. It’s not so obscure of a reference I suppose, but to see it twice in the same month? when no one I’ve met since like middle school watched and was enthusiastic enough about Bleach to talk about it let alone don that particular hat? Think I’ll have to get myself one of those hats. I wonder if people will notice it popping up more, and it’ll become a trend.
But I suppose, if they’re all me and I am them all, it makes sense that they’d have that hat. The character who wears it was my favorite after all, our favorite.
I feel something inside me, rejecting this sort of thing, it feels too wholesome maybe, too positive. I saw a quote today, “a child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort” does that mean then that the opposite of harm would unsettle me and make me distressed as I am right now? maybe then I need to keep leaning into these things that make me uncomfortable. Or am I simply just allergic to the wholesome things now? will I vomit and eventually die trying to immerse myself in it? I do feel so much more comfortable, so much more correct when things are dark. I suppose I’m just used to it. The devil you know.
Lately my parents have been mostly nice to me, we have a family group chat now. I feel nauseous typing that, no joke. One part that’s difficult for me to reconcile, is that I don’t think they’re bad people. But how could good people have brutalized me so thoroughly?
One day my dad was hitting my palms with a belt as punishment, I don’t remember what for. I pulled one palm away and offered the other one to be hit. He refused, and ordered me to bring back the hurt palm, so I did. It seems to me like it wasn’t about punishment or correcting behavior then right? It was just about causing as much pain as possible.
I ache so deeply recalling that story. I can’t seem to let go. I think I need to cut my parents off to heal, but that is also painful! and what of my sister? surely it’s good for her if we’re all one big happy family right? or am I setting a bad example by staying around despite these feelings eating away at me? I don’t know! I don’t know anything! I feel small, I want to be in a corner, I want to have my arms covering my head. I want to be hit.
Why?
Deadly beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn….me!
Jokes aside, I think I might be too damaged to function properly. Let’s be honest, who would be surprised to find out I jumped off of something?
Absolutely no one in my life.
fuck.
I don’t think I can heal myself
I don’t think I can be healed
I got an apartment
I got a good job that signals good status
I entertain several women
I moved to a cool major city
I did everything I was supposed to do
so why
I want my mom to hug me about the things she did to me. I forgive them and I don’t want them to hurt. Make a sacrifice or be the sacrifice
Me, I’ll bet it.
