Why does the cemetery have limited visiting hours?

I think i’ve always had this underlying fear of… success? I’m scared that i’ll have everything i want and still feel like killing myself on an almost daily basis. Might be why I seem to sabotage myself so often. I have the apartment in a cool city, girls, clout etc. I still struggle for money but that’s mostly cus I’m a dumbass i think. Still, yeah I think i’d rather be dead. I think i’m simply just not for the world. I can’t seem to overcome the world either. I’ve been reading this book by Albert Camus- the myth of sisyphus or as I like to refer to it, “reasons you shouldn’t kill yourself” it’s a very short book. I wonder how I’ll feel when I’m done reading it. I walked by the cemetery on the way home from my date tonight. There was a sign that said “visiting period” october something to february something. I thought it was odd that there were restrictions on when people were allowed to visit the graves of their dead loved ones. Why? There must be some logistical or business reasons for it. I really hate how everything is structured around that. I really am not for the world, it’s not for me. I took a sponsorship offer so I gotta cross dress again for that. Lately I’ve really been feeling like a clown on the internet, but it’s not like anyone is forcing me to do anything. 

I’m very tempted to run away to hawaii with no plan. But then what after that? who knows, who cares? I care apparently. I can’t go back to my family home, and breaking my lease would probably fuck me in the future right? 

I hate all of this. 

Drunk and sleepy on the chair in the apartment courtyard/backyard 

listening to sad music for sad girls 

like mitski and lana and phoebe bridgers 

what an experience

the breeze is nice at least. 

I don’t know anything about anything.

I know I’m dreading work tomorrow.

How could working in a bakery be so miserable? 

am I ever happy anywhere ? 

anyways.

I’m sure I’ll get better, I always get better, but then I get worse again. I’m sick, there’s something wrong with me.

I’m always relying on external things to make me happy. Then when they go away, I come crashing down. The problem is, I don’t think there’s anything internally, that can keep me going.