My electric bill was $16 dollars, I’m spending my last 10 on oreos and milk.

 I’ve heard once or twice just through the ether, stories of people meditating so hard that they’ll have these hallucinogenic experiences. It always sounded very above my head, not sure that I quite believed it, and don’t think it’s something I could do if I was trying to. But today, in trying a meditation exercise in which you maintain a specific mudra, or hand position of some sort, yeah things got pretty trippy. First I was seeing what seemed like random dots, eventually they materialized into cells. More and more cells, dividing, mitosis. Zoom out, open my eyes there they are on my wall, but now there’s so many of them that they make up some

sort of system. Roots, flesh? just a blanket of these cells and their pathways, bright yellow on my wall. Everything in my room was breathing and moving quite visibly, the way they do when I’m on shrooms. Wild experience. 

  The point of the meditation was something about discovering your purpose by holding the mudra and seeing what information, and ideas come through the channels. You were supposed to make a little circle with your thumb and index finger facing your chest while the other three fingers were splayed out. With your other hand then, you’d form that same circle, and have it touch the middle finger of the hand that’s facing your chest. I rested my hands on my lap while maintaining the mudra because I didn’t feel like struggling with sore elbows or anything like that. It was surprisingly difficult to keep the fingers together, they would shake and threaten to split apart. I was very surprised by this as I didn’t feel as though I was using any force or strength to hold them together and really shouldn’t have to. I came to the conclusion that this was just some sort of energy, because when the fingers were just barely not touching, they didn’t shake the same way. 

  I digress, the idea that came to me when doing the meditation was that it’s time to “live in my truth” I think I’ve been hiding parts of myself for fear of persecution. I go back and forth on acknowledging or expressing that quite often, and I think I’m tired of the lying or fraudulence that comes with covering it all up or making up excuses over it. I do it a lot when it comes to dating, I want to present this idealized version of myself, and hide the parts I think people might cringe at, or find me undesirable for. So I lie to cover them up. For the same reasons, I often censor myself or go back and erase things so that anyone I was talking to wouldn’t find it and have a certain idea of me in their heads. 

  Anyway long story short, I think it’s time to stop doing that, and embrace any potential persecution. After all, controversy online seems to make people rich fairly often doesn’t it? Don’t know that I’m cut out for that though. I really do get so very stressed out whenever I seem to be the focus of any sort of negative attention on the internet.

  The internet is so bad for me dude. I really should walk away, but I do genuinely enjoy streaming and creating videos. More so than I enjoy anything else in life I think, and the potential rewards from it all, if I “make it” has me bound and shackled to the gamble. 

 Well anyway, I need to simplify my life regardless, and there are a lot of other things I need to focus on instead of going on dates. My excuse so far has been “the quality of your life depends on the quality of your close relationships!!! you should always invest in all sorts of love!!!” Maybe that’s true, and I certainly have learnt that no matter where I travel, no matter how far I go, it seems to be the same internally. “Wherever you go, there you are” I’ve arrived back at that same thought “I need to make peace with myself”  Unfortunately for me, a big part of that means I can’t keep lying when I don’t have to, and if I have to lie to experience that sort of romance, I suppose I’ll just have to do without. 

  I’ve been having moments of genuine panic, a pit in my stomach when I think about going back

into the same bakery the next day. I think I need to get out of that place. I have an interview this coming Tuesday elsewhere, wish me luck will ya? 

I need to turn everything off, including the voice in my head, and be in silence for a while. Maybe forever. I also learned through the meditation, that I’m not one for intensity at all.