i belong to it.

   The head chef at work, what can I say.. she has quite a hostile approach. Today while working I noticed that I kept looking out of the corner of my eye any time someone entered the kitchen, I was looking out for her, I was afraid she’d walk in and find some reason to complain. When I realized I was doing this, it triggered a memory. An ex told me once, that when my cat and my sister heard me coming down the stairs, they’d both stiffen up a bit. This was confusing to me at first, as I never did anything to hurt them, but on days when my mood was leaning towards the more stormy side, it seems everyone could tell, and everyone was afraid. Suddenly in my head, I was the same as this hostile chef, but now I’m on the other side of it. This was a painful realization. I had almost forgotten what I am, this kick of positivity I’ve been so desperately clinging to, I almost hypnotized myself into truly believing it. Lately, I’ve been hit with a few significant bits of bad news, but I don’t really let myself acknowledge it, it’s been so nice to be out of the tar of my usual experience, but now it’s reaching back out to pull me in. I’m 12 again, it’s summer, I’ve had so much fun playing all afternoon with the other neighborhood kids, but now my mother is calling me back inside the house. I’m sure it won’t take long for her to find something to be angry about, maybe enough to even beat me for it. 

  Just like that, the muck is calling me back. I belong to it after all, I almost forgot. 

 The thing is, I’m really afraid of mirrors. It’s hugely ironic and deeply funny,  considering how vain I am. When I look in the mirror things start falling apart. My appearance becomes sickening, I could vomit if I look long and hard enough. Then I start feeling like I’m going crazy, I’m not real, this isn’t me! That’s the core of the fear I think, actually just afraid of going crazy and the mirror makes that seem to happen quickly. I’m sure I’m already crazy though and just don’t realize the full extent of it. I think not realizing is part of the whole shtick! 

I bring this up because, to me it’s funny that I’m afraid of my reflection, and today I saw a different sort of reflection, in another person. It was an awful experience. 

I say I want to be a kinder, more gentle person, and I do, I really do! But I don’t know that I can ever be the creature I want to be, if I’ll always know what I already was at one point, and perhaps still am. 

Today I had to make 400 muffins, I had to spend 15 or so minutes in the 1 degree fahrenheit freezer, I had to deal with getting yelled at by one of the kitchen staff because I was confused about him mislabeling some muffin batter. I limp when I’m in the house after work, my legs feel like they’re falling out of my hip sockets. I wanted this job so badly and was so happy when I got it. 

Stupid motherfucker. 

Very grateful for the luck in getting it though. 

But still, stupid motherfucker. 

They warned me to run when I first started there.

They’ve told me so many people have come in and out of my position. Incredibly high turnover rate apparently. Understaffed because of it as well. 

when will I stop being so naive? 

I oughta find a smaller bakery anyway.