I had a dream that I had a son,I was very proud of him.

   When I was a kid living in Africa, my dad sent me a bicycle from America. I was the only kid with a bike in the neighborhood, and all the other kids would ask me if they could ride it. 

“Of course!” I would always say. So everyone got a turn on the bike, until it broke. Then I realized, I had never ridden the bicycle myself, and to this day, I don’t know how to ride a bike! I think that story is a pretty good illustration of what kind of person I was deep down, and I think still can be. I like to believe in tabula rasa yeah? clean slate. No one is born knowing anything or being any way, and they are shaped by their environment. I think that’s mostly true! But I gotta tell ya, I really think there is a tiny lil core in everyone that’s there from the start. The implications of that are horrible but, I’ll humor myself with that I think. I know it’s not a necessarily good thing, and that people will take advantage of it, but I gotta tell ya, I just love being the martyr, the mother that starves to feed her children, the sacrificial lamb. If there was ever anything anyone was meant to be, well I won’t say it.  There’s that one scene in attack on titan, when the female titan shrieks and summons all the nearby titans. They converge upon her, and eat her body. It’s quite grotesque, but I always found gory and grotesque things to have a very unique beauty about them. I mean how striking, you can’t ignore such things! They demand to be acknowledged, and you’re powerless against them! Amazing! 

    I had the thought today, “maybe it’s a good thing I’m not rich, I know that currently as I am, I would probably suffer a lot of the pitfalls of wealth. Through friends and women especially” 

But still I love myself for that in particular. 

Have you seen that painting? Of the lamb smiling as it’s about to be sacrificed? 

p.s. now that i’m looking at it again, I don’t think the lamb is smiling. Why do I remember it that way?