It’s so good for you.

    A knife can’t cut itself, beautiful people can’t ever be surprised by or appreciate their own beauty.They can never truly behold it. This is the cost of having these things, they are for other things and people to experience and enjoy. Everything is for everything else, and so possession is useless. At least, that’s the conclusion I’ve come to about things like that, maybe it sounds too flowery or pretentious, but I really am always so earnest with these sorts of things. 

  I like to eat shrooms and watch sad anime movies so I can experience more feelings, and last time I did that, I had the thought “innocence can’t be self aware.” For a thing to be aware  that it is innocent, it must understand the difference between innocence and its opposite, but having that knowledge, that of the “impure” renders it incapable of being innocent. It makes sense to me but my roommate's partner insists it’s the stupidest thing they’ve ever heard. Quite possible!  I enjoy spending my time with these musings regardless of their idiocy however. It’s a fun part of existence for me. Getting to lay down at twilight  and think about thinking. I don’t think I'll regret doing it so much when I die. As always, my mortality and how I spend my time is on my mind. Tonight  someone I’m talking to asked me why I’ve been in such a frenzy to travel these last few years, I explained it’s because I’m afraid I’m going to die without having done the things I want in the places I want to, that I’ve had a taste of that regret during one of my overdose episodes. It motivates most of my behavior now, and because of it I’ve been operating out of fear for a long time now. I’ve been caught up in a lot of turmoil the last few weeks trying to plot how I’m gonna make my next moves, I’m scared to stay in one place and settle down, but it also isn’t so appealing to carry on the way I have been, and I’m sacrificing a lot by living that way. I realized though, that I’ve never once in my life experienced a long period of safety or stability. The tiniest “negative” interaction tonight had me immediately anxious to the point of feeling sick. I need to experience what it’s like to be in one place, and never have to fear anyone else’s emotional volatility. I need to experience peace. So, I have a reason that trumps my fear now. If I die before having gone to the places I want to, it was for a good reason. I stopped to take care of myself for a little bit. That is okay. 

I’ve long felt this guillotine hanging above my neck, it forces me to act in certain ways. For some reason I’ve always been EXTREMELY sure that I’m not long for the world. I KNOW beyond all doubt that I’m going to die before I get any sort of old. It’s been really scary! But truly these days I’m not scared anymore. I don't know what happened, but I’m starting to experience some instances of real peace. I’m slowly becoming the creature I wanted to be. I’m grateful for all my suffering. Truly.