At least I’m of some worth!

  Well I deleted the blog, and then so many of you promptly emailed me about it. I suppose I should explain myself. 

   It’s been an eventful last few days, or weeks(?) I learned a lot about myself, but firstly, the matter at hand. 

  A comment my previous partner made to me when we began our doomed relationship was that it was a strange experience for them to have so much access to me one hundred percent of the time. I understood what they meant, it’s exhausting for me to be so constantly connected to anyone and everyone. Streams, clips, videos, tweets, there’s hundreds of hours of me to consume. At the very least, it wasn’t (usually) too intimate. The person on stream and in the videos, is an exaggeration at best, and a completely fabricated character at worst, but there is still the real me, offline, picking my nose, trying my best to look mysterious and hot on the train (I did this a lot today) and forcing myself to stop eating the alligator I cooked for dinner tonight(seriously, my favorite texture of any meat so far btw)  because “If I get fat, I’ll kill myself.”  

   This blog, was sort of the last piece of the Sinclair puzzle, the honest intimacy is all here,it made me feel vulnerable and ashamed. Whenever I started speaking to anyone from the dating apps, I realized they could see anything and everything I’d published here, and that scared me! Idiocy! It’s a public website!! 

  I know, but it felt different, you guys, well it is a little secret club after all isn’t it? 

So I deleted the blog, I read somewhere in a book all about power (a very manipulative collection of sentiments) that being mysterious is really good for you! In a way, I felt safer and more shielded. 

The reason I started this little blog in the first place, was because I felt a need to express this part of myself, it’s been  strange having people treat me as “Aniki” and not as

“Sinclair”(hello everyone!),

”goose(hi Emma!)”

“Twin”(hey Yujin, I hope you’re well!), 

“Cc”( heya zoey, I still think of you!)

“My happiness”(hiya Raven ^^)”

“Aziz” (Kris! those sure were fun days huh?) 

“Special kofi tu” (sup mom)

so on and so forth. I like all those others as much as, or maybe more than “Aniki” so I wanted you all to know of them too. Because of that, and because of all your messages, and enthusiasm, I’ll keep the blog up, and keep updating it. Deleting it was another act of putting up a facade and hiding parts of myself for the approval of others. 

So! What’s gone on in the last little while? 

Work is okay so far, all my coworkers but one are fun. 

I almost ended up in a poly couple, I was to be the third, shared between the two of them. It was very fun and *very* stimulating, but I knew that if I continued, I’d just be setting up myself for a lot more turmoil and heart ache. There was a date this saturday but I ghosted there. There was a date this sunday with the woman from the poly couple, but I called that off too. 

I realized that I’ve never lived in an environment where I’m not constantly in a panic at the emotional volatility of the people I’m living with. I don’t think this is the fault of the friends who have been so gracious as to house me over the years, I think I’m just starting to realize more and more what a number my parents did on me. 

My roommate got upset that they spilled some juice, I immediately had to pee suddenly, and after that I ran directly into  my dark, quiet, glue trap. I laid there and realized my heart rate was incredibly elevated, and I truly felt like I was about to vomit. I couldn’t allow myself to make any noise, even by shifting around in there.

Someone being upset means I’m about to be hurt severely again. 

And here I thought I was tough. Well that’s not true, I’ve known I’m quite fragile for a while now, but I suppose I’m learning more and more about how that manifests itself. Sometimes I fear I may be too damaged to love. Oh boy. 

I’ll maintain the blog, thank you all for enjoying it. It means something to me that you all find some value in the wreckage fire that is me. Even if I’m just a sick show of some sort. At least I have some worth.