Dolores Dei
I always said that if I could just live by the sea, I would finally be fine.
My mind steeped in fever dreams and nearly boiling has this uncanny effect on the way I think. I can only liken it to what my thought processes were like when I was rolling on acid those years ago. So fast! So many subjects I can’t for the life of me find the commonality between, let alone follow the thread or train of thought yet it all makes some strange sort of sense. The system functions immaculately, yet there is seemingly no logic to it, or perhaps a logic beyond my comprehension. In and out of consciousness, I remember thinking in binary at times, and other times as though I myself were the very appendage of a giant squid. Half asleep I was seeing parts and portions of some sort of mechanism with its rusty metal parts interlocking, a hammer slamming things into place. I woke up several times to check my phone, I was dreaming I’d posted some awful risqué video and couldn’t quite tell reality apart from dream. When I tell you I’ve been delirious, I do mean it quite sincerely. Such intense, arcane, messy, labyrinthine thought patterns and yet the strangest thing of all, is that amidst the screaming madness of my fever addled mind, a dream. Clear as crystal. Of course, its her. In the dream she’d just walked back into my life and we carried everything on as though normal. Everyone else in my life looking upon us strangely, questioning the logic of it all even within the confines of my slowly roasting brain matter.
It’s been more than a year. I’ve done everything within my own power to move forward and forget about it, but still the dreams. The dreams, the dreams, the dreams. Dreams of my wife, dreams of my children, dreams of a life I could have had. Endless dreams. There are people who would kill to have the opportunities and luck I’ve had in life, yet here I am lamenting.
I always said that if I could just live by the sea, everything would be okay. I’m here now, by the sea.
Still something inside me says I should end it all.
post script:
There’s a lamp in front of me. It’s been unplugged since I moved in. I turned it on today and, well, it’s blue! I never would have guessed that! It’s a nice surprise. So are the wind chimes. I love wind chimes, I always wanted to have wind chimes in my home, and now I do.
“what is the wind saying?”
well I don’t know quite know, ask someone who can speak to the wind.
“it’s singing, “everything I ever lost, now has been returned””
Hahaha, the wind is singing U2?
“well of course!”
That’s it then?
“that’s it.”
Something inside me says I should say goodbye
“goodbye sinclair”
