I wanted to change my name to “Love”.
In my new home, parrots and roosters tell me each morning that the sun will soon arise. It seems there are no owls or mourning doves here. The ocean, the ocean, the ocean.
I have fallen ill. I’m not sure what did it, perhaps leaving the windows open last night, perhaps an infection of some sort, perhaps something I’ve eaten. Feverish, delirious, weak. I’m talking to the land, telling her she must either kill me or welcome me because I am not leaving.
It’s funny I was just talking to Shania the other day, she was commenting on how I never seem to get sick. I explained to her that usually I get sick once a year, the corpse of a virus- mono. I got it from sharing a coke with Maddy in elementary school I think. I don’t know if that’s true though. It makes me sick once a year, and then my dues are paid.
But here I am. The way my arms flop on to the bed when I turn over, as if inanimate. So dramatic. It’s rare that I get this sick.
One thing I always think about, who do I want to know. If I succumb to it. Not my family, my sister mustn’t know. They haven’t heard from me in so long anyway, it wouldn’t make much difference, only make things worse.
Only my lovers. Tell my lovers. I can’t quite articulate what they’ve all meant to me. They all made me, I’m forever grateful to them. You know that thing they say. The self is a mosaic of everyone that’s loved us. I’m compulsive and histrionic about cleaning like my mother. I look to make friends every where I go, like my father. I have fervent passion for all the people of the world and their unique cultures the way my little sister taught me to. I stop and think, and think, and think. And you can see it on my face, that I’m thinking, long pauses in conversations before I speak. Just the way Yujin does. I never use cloves in my cooking because Raven doesn’t like them. My heart swells every time I see a deer now, that’s Shania’s doing. I love papaya salad and mudfish more than anyone right should. That was Mez. I even speak some italian now. I wanted to follow Emma to sicily. Instead, now my sentences are peppered with “MARONE!!! CAZZO VAI?!! aallouraaaa”. Kris, I still think of that damn Danish version of Happy Birthday whenever anyone is turning a year older, and 74 is a lucky number for me now!
There’s Gia and Ida, Jordan, Guillermo, Courtney,Emmanuella, Georgina, everyone. I don’t exist without them. Not even remotely.
I’m so impossibly far away now, I’m so far away that it’s not even April yet for me, and I’ll miss everyone so much. I’ll miss you all so much.
I would give anything to be in your arms as I fall asleep tonight, but my dreams, my aspirations, they always take me away from everyone else. It’s ironic because, all that ever motivated me was to be able to take care of you.
74 degrees fahrenheit, high 80, low 70, mostly clear.
I’m so cold.
