Aniki.Arriving.On.The.Scene.

For no good or valid reason at all, it seems I’ve stopped putting effort into my friendships as well. It really doesn’t take much to respond to a text message just to say “sorry, not doing well at the moment, I’ll text you when I can”. I’ve often complained about this sort of thing when it came to other people, but now I can’t seem to muster the energy to do even that much. I’ve left behind everyone who loves me and can’t seem to do the bare minimum of what they deserve, what I owe them to maintain this thing I so desperately wanted all this time. I’ve closed my windows, clipped the curtains shut permanently, and locked my doors. I don’t go to the beach, I don’t talk to anyone. In this silence and solitude, I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on myself, why I am the way I am. I know I’ve been very lucky in a lot of ways, but no matter how much I choose to focus on that, it doesn’t seem to offset the effects of the fact that I’ve had a pretty tragic life so far. Not in a maudlin, self pitying, navel gazing way, just fact of the matter. I’ve had a shit life, with tons of bad luck, from the very start, and I continue to suffer the consequences of that. It’s just the truth and I need to let myself acknowledge that. So I am here, in the dark, flinching and panicking at any sign of human life. Yet still, it seems I continue to try. I have this image in my head of a person limping and crying along the track,past the finish line. I suppose I identify with this person. Not any sort of brave champion or hero like I hoped I would be but still, I went ahead.

Still, I have hope.

Still.

Post script.

To my friends and lovers, I’m sorry. Given enough time, I will always return to you.

I will ALWAYS return to you.