God!!I need a cigarette!!!!
I went on a date a few days ago, and on the way there I realized I hadn’t been on a *real* first date in actual years, since I was a freshman in college I think. With my last two long term partners, it was as if we had known each other for a lifetime almost immediately as we started speaking, and we spoke nonstop before actually meeting up, so it just felt like spending another day with an old lover I suppose. Because of this, I was initially very hesitant to actually go on said first date, but I forced myself to, in an attempt to take steps towards truly moving on from my last relationship which somehow, two months post break up I’m still nearly vomiting from the grief with every passing reminder of what was lost.
I’m glad I went however, this lady she was very amusing, whimsical even. She made these cartoonish expressions and sounds as she reacted to various situations or quips I made, it was really very funny. Her cat was very cute and friendly, her gigantic lizard was asleep, and her bin of live cockroaches seemed somehow very…. lively? it looked like the roaches were having fun I swear!
I got to see more of my new city and ate some awful food, learned more about this particular subway system, it was overall a good day, and the lady later on told me she also had a great time, yet when I got home, I found myself again lamenting the loss of what I believed to be my *s o u l m a t e*
I very frequently have these awful nightmares, or otherwise devastating dreams, and a few times this past week, they centered around my ex. Last night for example, the dream was set in a Korean city she had taken me to in a previous dream. I was traveling with one of my long time best friends and a large group of other tourists, I kept breaking away from the group to go look for my ex, searching for the hotel or apartment she had taken me to in that last dream. Every time I felt like I was getting close, I would be pulled back into the tourist group, and lose my place.
I never did find her.
At the very least in all the other dreams and nightmares I got to see her again. Not this time.
When I woke up, despite how fun the previous date had been, I no longer had an appetite for anything other than retreating into my self imposed social exile yet again.
I’ve had this thought for a long time, that I’m radioactive, the people around me are always hurt or otherwise afflicted by my mere presence. I blink and I’ve fucked up again! I have to hide and control so many parts of myself to be able to act like a human for an extended amount of time. So! the last noble thing I can do then, is to make sure I never inflict myself on anyone ever again. That is always the thought, the game plan. For some odd reason however, I find that I’m very often solicited by people, and for reasons entirely arcane to me, it seems that people very often, find themselves attracted to me. So they approach, and sometimes I’ll try to push them away, and other times, I’ll lure them in further, because I’m lonely and hungry and touch starved, then we both walk away even more damaged. Somehow, as ridiculous as it seems to me, turns out I’m fairly fragile myself. It is as if I’m allergic to the only food I crave or even is available to me. Like I’m not for love and it’s not for me!
It’s all horribly dramatic really.
At the end of the day, I miss all my lovers, all of them. It doesn’t matter how bitter or sour things got, there’s tiny things that always provoke the memories to find and attack me again.
No matter where I go, somehow, some way, on a distant breeze, I will smell the very unique scent of my second. When the sun lights up my own eyes I’ll remember how wild my first looked that day at the beach with her bright green eyes and snaggled canine teeth. The way my third cackled like a witch, or the way my fourth put a mirror up to everything I was and made it her own.
aniki & ikina
$inclair & ¥___
Someone hit me on the head with a baseball bat and lock me up if I ever proclaim to be in love again will ya?
