Imaginary Dogs
I have nightmares incredibly frequently, my doctor says it’s something to do with PTSD, idk what that is but I have noticed that all the queer kids seem to have it! Someone should really look into that!
If I had to guess, I’d say 4 out of 7 nights I’ll have some sort of nightmare or otherwise disturbing/devastating dream. If i’m not being chased or maimed, I’m getting married or have a happy family and then it’s all torn away from me etc etc. This type of thing.
The thing is, when I tell the stories about those dreams, it always sounds so silly! Like watch, I’ll tell you some of the ones I remember:
2 or three years ago, I had this dream, I had just woken up,(in the dream) and looked around my room, I noticed that at my window, this person was jumping up repeatedly, trying to look inside my room. When I looked closer, I realized that the person had no face!
In another dream, I had just woken up (again, in the dream) and went down the stairs. I decided to make some popcorn for a midnight snack, I moved a spoon away from the door of the microwave, put in the popcorn packet, and turned the microwave on. When I looked back, the popcorn packet I had just made was not in the microwave, but on the counter right in front of me.
This was a little odd but really not that strange, it’s something that happens to me all the time. I’ll think about doing something, or daydream about it and think I’ve actually done it.
So I put the packet in, and turned on the microwave, I turned from it, and there again, was the very packet I had just started to microwave! Now, I knew something was fishy, I had started to freak out. I looked around and there….. THE SPOON WAS FLOATING!!!
It sounds like squidward trying to scare spongebob with a spooky story, but in the dream I thought I was awake and this was really happening to me! It was so fucked up!
A majority of the dreams, though,feature someone I care about dying. While I myself was dying in the hospital in Germany, I had a dream that I had somehow astral projected back to my family’s home in Boston, my mom was in the kitchen, I asked her if she could see and hear me, she said she could, we talked for a while, and then she hugged me tightly, for a very long time, to say goodbye. When I woke up, I felt that she was gone.
Last night I dreamt that a girl I’d had an on and off crush/dating relationship with since immigrating to America in 3rd grade, till my freshman year of college had been gruesomely murdered by a serial killer etc etc.
Sure they’re a lil spooky, but inconsequential at the end of day has always been my thought on it all, till I realized, I often truly cannot differentiate between real life, my dreams, or even something I watched.
This being the case, these false memories affect me deeply, as if I’d actually lived through them all.
One day in 8th grade, I dreamt I had a dog, he was a really rowdy guy. I took him to the pet store to get some food, and everyone there loved him so much! When we were at the counter checking out, he ran off, breaking his leash, and ran to the park across the street, chasing a butterfly or something like that.
When I woke up, I started looking for my dog,it was time to walk him, but he was nowhere to be found. I searched drastically, until I realized he had never truly existed. This broke my heart.
Hours later in Ms. Duclos’s english class, I spent a while daydreaming about the dog, I decided his name was KillЯoy, Then doodled him all over my notebook. I’ve loved KillЯoy very much since then, despite him being a dream.
The thing is, I actually dislike dogs quite a bit. They’re loud, and smelly, and destroy things, and get sick so easily with a million different things.
The idea of this creature that loves you unconditionally is really quite lovely, but that just puts them in that category of things I can’t let myself have, because I can’t afford to knowingly put myself through the experience of even more loss in my life, so I’ll have to settle for my imaginary dog.
The thing about KillЯoy is, he’s not very smart, or cute, or self aware, or athletic, or much of anything good really, but y'know what he’s always trying his best! He’s always happy to see his friends, or go outside to chase butterflies, he’s always just excited to be alive.
I want to be like this dog that came from one of the few good dreams I had, I’ve spent a lot of my life being the exact opposite of that, and now the hardest thing I’m trying to learn how to do, is to do nothing, accept things for what they are, and enjoy what I have in life. IT’S SO DIFFICULT AND EXHAUSTING!
I feel like an incredibly tired old man very often these days. I don’t even care about pussy anymore, can you believe that?!
