shelby from amazon
When ah first come tae America and first met me daa..
he would do this thing where he’d try to impart some very important super profound great life lesson through some shitty metaphor. So one day he dragged me to the kitchen and put coffee in a cup and filled it with water, it was black obviously, he then turned on the sink, put the coffee under it, and held it there till it was all displaced and all that was left was pure, clean water. He went on some soliloquy about how this is how the mind works and so I should always make sure to fill it with positive, healthy, CHRISTIAN, things! It’s not terribly offensive I suppose, but right now, AHM PESSED OFF ABOOT EHT. I’ve seen 2 separate videos this week where some jackass is doing the same thing with coffee and water, being so sanctimonious in the video. MY BROTHER. YOU ARE ON INSTAGRAM REELS RIGHT NOW. I CAN SMELL THE HYPOCRISY COMIN OFF YAE THRU ME PHONE.
Really I’m just mad because I wish it was that simple. Unfortunately just by living, your mind will be constantly re-polluted. It’s not a liner, simple journey to becoming pure again, at least not fer me. For months now, every night before I go to sleep, I have to get up out of bed, and go slap all four of the dials on my stove, to make sure they’re all in the off position, so nothing catches on fire. Even when I haven’t turned them on or cooked anything that day, it feels like I will vomit out my heart and stomach if I don’t. It eats me. This isn’t necessarily new but,ITS GETTING WORSE, my mind is being re-polluted faster than I can funnel clean tap water into damn it! I’m getting worse! I’m getting worse and I’m angry about it! SO FUCK OFF WITH THE COFFEE IN THE SINK WOULD YA!
Screw those guys and screw my pa. Yknow what I’m sleepy so lets cut this short.
post script.
Someone I know from a past job in 2022 found my tiktok and messaged me. We’ve been talking, reminiscing and such. She asks me how I’m doing, I say, “yknow what I can’t complain. I still miss my bitch but das life.” and well, I meant it. compilation in my playlist called “You're in a 80s Club After The Love of Your Life Breaks Your Heart” I don’t know shit about fuck about the 80s, but there are some damn good songs in that collection. And I think to myself, yeah, actually I do love heartbreak. I love feeling sick, I love not being able to eat, I love yearning and craving, life has purpose when you’re heartbroken: Lamentation, and self flagellation. It’s not healthy but we’ve established that my brain is full of coffee innit? I said it to a therapist once, that Im fine with being sad and depressed because that too is part of the experience of living, and getting so have that experience is a real privilege. Depending on who you ask anyway. I mean I know the world is shit most of the time but, holy fuck? Truly how would you describe the sense of smell or taste. Sure the science behind it makes sense but the mechanics of it all are nothing short of magical. Dood, imagin biting into a piping hot chicken parm, its seasoned so fawkin perfectly dood, its the best fuckin thing you’ve ever tasted. And your girl is with you and your baby is in her carrier with tomato sauce around her little lips cooing with happiness. And the sun is shining through the little shop in boston and Emma is smiling at you slightly embarrassed as you try to practice your italian with the shop owners. You say “comme stai? but you pronounce the i too long, yknow you say eeeee, and the guy says “my friend, thats two different words!” and he chuckles and she laughs and you walk around boston common and. And you think youre gonna marry her,you think this is it, but in your wildest dreams you havent even imagined Raven, or Yujin, or Zoe, or Jess, or Shania. You’re just there on a nice spring day. In boston common. You should have, you should have gone to faneuil hall. Cus a few months down the line youll be coming out of best buy and she’ll text you that she cant do this AND focus on all her schooling and travelling. and you think its the worst break up you’ve ever been through and will ever go through, but you havent even begun to fathom yujin, and losing her, and how that cripples all the relationships you have after that.
and
and
im asleep at my keyboard
and im time traveling again
and im okay with being crazy right now
right nowww, you like me, you really like me.
You like us, were listening to Nocturne No. 1 in B-Flat Minor, Op. 9 No. 1, and you like us. and were asleep.
