instead of saying kys i like to say “k.eep y.ourself s.afe”i think thats really funny actually and the intent still gets across yknow?
I seem to have this habit of investing quite a bit of time and effort into various projects or creative outlets, and then just deleting them all randomly. I don’t quite know why I do it, I could fluff up some reasons I’m sure, and maybe there’s truth to some, or all of them but I’m not so sure it matters. It’s really not so much about numbers either. I’ve deleted many many videos in the millions of views range, I don’t know I just-
When I’m scrolling and a video of me pops up its soo… its so revolting, it makes me recoil. I scroll past it as fast as possible, I can't quite stand to watch them. It’s not the platform either, I’ve done this with tiktok, twitch, youtube, this very website, all of it, I don’t know. It might just be a me thing, I might just not like me, or maybe one of the me’s really hates the whole online presence thing but another me loves making stuff for the internet so they’re constantly fighting, perpetually undoing each other’s work.
It’s an almost daily occurrence that a memory will flash behind my eyes and I’ll literally flinch, or scream, and I start to say “its okay its okay its okay” until the swelling feeling subsides. It’s not even really the traumatic memories just every day things, I don’t know.
I’m sitting here writing this and pausing every few moments thinking “do I like myself? would anyone like me if they could see inside my head? am I proud of myself or the things I put out there?” so on, so forth.
Say, you guys ever get this sort of feeling where like, not even in a sad or depressing way, it just feels pointless to do anything. Like I should just sit still. I get these ideas or thoughts and I day dream about them and I start to rise out of my bed and then its like, very gently something just presses me back down, and I lay there, thinking I should just be still. I should just sit still.
What do you do when people are upset? I think I have no clue. I keep trying to fix her problems, or reassure her everything will be fine, etc etc. It’s distressing to care about someone and watch them swirl down the drain knowing you can’t quite do anything.
Yknow often I day dream about meeting someone, and staying together in one place, I imagine episodes of our life together and nesting and maybe even having a family and all that. Then I don’t know it just, all seems to dumb of me to be thinking about. I know how we are at relationships. I’m too scared of getting cheated on or having someone die on me again. So on and so forth, then it all just seems so dumb and pointless, and I don’t know why I try or put effort into any of it. Then I lay back down, and just stay still. Thats what I should be doing anyway, all i have to do, stay still.
Everyone is so funny and smart and talented and beautiful and has such great friends or families and Im just
augh
i want to disappear
I think thats what it is, thats why i keep deleting myself from the internet
i want to disappear
