y’know?
1. I was talking with my therapist about how I have a hard time accepting kindness from people.
If anyone says "thank you" to me, (but especially my sister) I would almost involuntarily bark "shut up!" in response.
She asks my why that is, and of course I know why but for some reason its hard for me to say it 'with my whole chest' as it were. I start beating around the bush.
She interjects with "because you don't deserve ittt?? orr.."
Clocked again. The woman *is* good at her job.
The next question to come is obvious.
"Well, why is that?"
I know the answer to this one too. If I am in fact deserving of kindness, then all those bad things that happened, all the horrible things people did and said to me, are that much worse. And I'm not super confident that I can indeed, handle worse. My parents are less flawed if I deserved all that shit for example.
Alas, if I'm aware of the charade, its not quite as effective, so its time to swallow the bitter truth of it all anyway.
Today however, I was graced with the very simple thought: "Two, or even several things can be true at once!" Imagine that!
So yes, all things considered, my parents are probably decent people, who brutalized me for the entirety of the time we had a relationship, and they more than likely still will if I ever make my way back to them. True.
I do still love and miss them. Also true.
I have made a lot of mistakes, and I have hurt people and I have to grow and be better. True.
I'm a decent person. I'm kind, gentle and almost always choose to do the right thing when no one is looking. Also true.
2. *I keep saying it, and it turns out to not quite be the case but, I think I really am moving on. For the first time since we parted, I didn't feel like I was cheating on you when I slept with someone else.*
So there I was at work, grabbing the racks the bagels would go on for proofing and wondering to myself, to us, "should I delete that super duper long cultivated playlist I made for them then?"
The consensus we came to was this: Its something we put a lot of thought and effort into, to make for them. Even if they'll never play any part in our life ever again, its still for them, and they get to have that and all the possibilities it could maybe contribute to. They're a wonderful DJ, I wish I could get to hear all the insane samples they'll draw and flip from all those deep cut super groovy and obscure songs I put in that playlist. It'll be really cool!
That felt like a peaceful resolution.
3. I was talking very excitedly about finally being able to take steps towards making these affirming surgeries happen. I surprised myself with my fervor and passion. I knew it means a lot to me, its all I've been living for these past few years really, but I was still shocked. I doubt and sort of don't believe myself often with all sorts of things. I'm almost always unsure, but it's with confidence that I can say this is the path I want to go down.
*if I can become a kind old lady, then I want to live!*
Simple as.
My sister once told me that she sometimes secretly cries about all the things she knows my parents put me through. I was once complaining about how much easier they take it on her, even though they're still quite draconic.
Incredibly silly of me, I should be happy her life is softer in that way at least. I wish it were as soft as could possibly be.
I'm glad I was the eldest sibling, to take the brunt of all the inexperience and frustration and mistakes and anger my parents could muster.
Guess that explains why I was always so keen on the *martyred/aloof big brother* trope hahahah.
My favorite type of art to see or make, is the type where characters with chaotic stories are peacefully existing in these sort of slice of life scenes y'know?
