when you grow up coffee ice cream is your favorite

“human beings can get used to almost anything!”

I’ve heard this sentiment before and always thought it should be followed by an asterisk and the statement “if they can’t, they die.”

WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!

This is what it’s been like in my head.I wonder how many hours it would take to get used to and no longer be bothered by the sound of someone slamming on your door.

That’s effectively what’s happened I think. Nothing got better, things got worse in fact. But at least for this wave, for this session, I got used to it.

I ended things with the only person who’s been able to find their way past the briars in the last two years. We were never “officially together” but I don’t think such labels matter to the heart after a certain point. Past a certain level, beyond a certain number of nights spent together or meals provided for one another.

What is the quantitative threshold? exactly how many bruises must you suckle on to someone’s neck to mark your territory before they are yours and you in turn are theirs?

Anyway I ended things with her, and then hung myself.

Wake up some hours? days? some significant amount of time in my bed. On my nightstand several packets and pouches of various sleeping aides, some empty bottles of beer.

My very own “Magnificent Steiner” has struck again.

“I feel great! I’m so handsome!”

Crank out a few videos, the sort I actually want to make. It’s great fun! I remember now that this is my passion.

Take a few pictures to bask in my own beauty and vanity. Actually, this makes me sad. When did I lose so much weight? when did my eyes become so sunken? why such dark bags under them? My neck! my neck my neck! It looks so thin! From some angles it looks as though it’s only half the width of my head.

Compare it to a picture from a few months ago when I actually was beautiful but truly couldn’t see it.

I don’t think I’ve been trying to lose weight, have I? Maybe. But certainly not to this degree. I didn’t realize it was happening. No wonder I couldn’t stand for more than an hour or two at work without being exhausted.

Pitiful, I feel sorry for Sinclair.

Take a walk to the bodega, coffee ice cream, rice krispy treats, cream soda. I haven’t been able to finish a meal in one sitting in god knows how long. Only a few bites in and I’m full. The food stays in the fridge and becomes unappetizing to eat, then I spend what little money I have on new food to repeat the cycle.

If she were here or I was with her. I’d be cooking several times a day, and we’d both eat. I was always nagging her about it. “have you eaten? what did you have for lunch? please eat before heading to work!” incessantly, compulsively. Maybe I was talking to myself too. Maybe if I saw those text messages flow from my fingers it would register in my own mind as well. Didn’t work! Sadly, we don’t work. I wanted us to.

There is a vague memory, I’m not sure if it was real or from a dream. Drunk and half asleep I texted her, “i’ll never get better you know!” she responded with “it’s okay neither will i!”

Perhaps it’s a betrayal to walk away after something like that, but at least now she has her future back, even if she doesn’t want to do anything with it.

I was looking forward to seeing her again now that I can go back to chicago. Now that I’ve confirmed my parents’ suspicions and they want nothing to do with me. Now that i’ve told them to never track me down and “surprise me” with a visit, an ambush. Now that they’ve ignored my last, most desperate hail mary plea, i can go back to chicago.

i wish when we talked the last time, she said she’d be willing to at the very least try to make things better for herself. i wasn’t asking for any immediate change or great effort, just a sign of willingness to try because even as i am, i know things can’t stay like this forever. i know no one will come to save us but we’re capable of getting out of the mud.

i know things can get better, i believe that they will! no matter what!

i can’t force someone else to see that though.

alone again, but at least i’m not sad, and i have some energy and some semblance of a smile to share.

and hopefully i can gain some weight soon.

and and and

and

email from Caroline Sloane

i came across a tiktok video you made even though i don't have tiktok and was enthralled by your presence, humor, and cadence. i found your blog and read a lot of your posts. your writing is beautiful and i relate to it a lot. you're beautiful too. sorry if i sound stupid. i hope you're okay. i hope you're okay soon. i think the world likes some people more than others and i don't know why. i hope neither of us kill ourselves.

it’s always a strange experience to see the way others perceive me. “enthralled”,”humor”,”beautiful”.

i can’t honestly say i see any of these things about myself, which makes me wonder if she can’t see the potential in herself that gave me so much faith in her brighter tomorrow.

She can do anything she wants to do and succeed at it with flying colors. She really can! I’d bet anything! My life even! How do you make someone else see their worth and potential!!? How do you show someone they’re wonderful!?

“hey”

yeah?

“that giant mirror on the other side of the room.”

tell me about it, the irony and hypocrisy is not lost on me.

Dear Caroline.

Thank you so sincerely for your letter.

What is dead may never die, and remain beautiful forever more.

That being said,don’t kill yourself. I have much better, much funnier, much more beautiful things in the works that I need you to see, because you get it! and people like you are what makes it all worth it! Please remain vigilant.

The world may like some people more than others, but so what?

post script.

Banana, do you ev