throwing things away won’t help you forget

“But also your writing in general always feels very familiar and frequently autobiographical to me even with our very different lives and histories. I’ve never been good with words (as you can tell!) so it’s comforting to see someone write down my feelings, and it kinda helps ground me a lot of times and often makes me laugh at how foolish I am to think I could ever be unique in any way!”

things don’t need to be unique to have value.

a drawing of a deer on a pink post it note stuck on my door one cold winter afternoon. On the back of it, a message: “Hope u like it sorry if u dont” - Banana

There is only one like it in the whole of creation, but that’s not what makes it special to me, that is not the reason it makes my heart ache. If I had ten more, still I would treat them the same. I would still take care of it, I would still tuck it into the first page of a book of poetry very important to me.

On this page, there is also a letter: “Happy Birthday sinclair- This is a collection very close to me, I’ve always found it warm and comforting. Wild Geese of in here too. So I hope this book reminds you that you do not have to be good

all my love,

Emory xx”

The book lives next to another letter. This one says: “Happy Birthday cutie!

I know we both have trouble celebrating ourselves, but I suppose that’s why we have loved ones- to make us do it anyway. I’m very grateful that you walked into my life, that we spent our summer nights learning about each other- how spookily similar we are (derogatory). Your heart is very sweet, and for all the time we share a wall-and even if one day we dont- I’m here for you. Hopefully this year is full of nice things for you.

all my love,

Emory xx”

It’s only now as I’m reading these that I’ve come to the realization: “oh, these people love me.”

and another realization: its incredibly difficult for me to recognize love.

it always takes far too long, until it’s too late.

I’ve talked about it before, I had a box full of artifacts from Yujin. A strand of their hair, a polaroid from one of the first times we hung out, their school ID from when they’d just come from Korea.

When we broke up, I mailed all these things back to them along with the tea they requested from my time in London.

Along with a note of my own: “I can’t bear to throw these away, so I’m sending them to you instead.”

Today I wish I kept all or even one of those items, a physical manifestation of a love so great it brought about my ruination. I know however,they would not have survived my travels, my black outs, my outbursts, my moments of great resolve, etc etc.

I didn’t yet understand, that getting rid of things, doesn’t get rid of the memories. It doesn’t really even do much to help how often you’re reminded of the people.

There is one thing though. December 28th was it? the last time we were with each other. Honestly I’d started the day very annoyed with him, I’d planned for us to share an uber to the airport but at some point I was even considering just leaving them behind. Imagine that! If I only knew… quite the laughable idiot I am!

We were at the airport and I realized I’d not brought my ear buds and Id certainly need some on my travels. Well it’s christmas anyway, might as well treat myself, so I bought the latest pair of airpods. I’d never had anything like them before, nothing that was noise canceling at the very least. I put them in, the cancellation activated, and suddenly, that general irritation I always, ALWAYS felt 24/7 was gone. I could breath, I could relax. The noise was gone. I was amazed and reacted accordingly. Yujin smiled slowly, softly, not quite sly but in the sort of way you would smile watching someone come to understand something massive that you’ve already known of.

He always had his noise cancelling audio technica head phones on, I never thought much about it, but now I got it.

My airpods are the last artifact from our last day together. I got them December 28th 2022, and it’s only today, July 10th,2024 that I realized it.

I still have one anchor. One physical manifestation. One piece of evidence I can touch, to tell me that it’s all real.

How many times did I listen to the playlists they made me through them, completely oblivious to the significance of things. Roaring laughter, deep heart ache.

I have these things, and I will never let them go. I will never throw them away.

I want to call her and say, “Shania, I wasn’t asking for any immediate change or gratification, I just wanted to know that you were willing to at least try. I love you and I miss you already. I want to tell you to come home, I want to cook for you, I want to send you every picture of a deer I come across on the internet because in my mind you’re so intrinsically and totally associated with deer! Shania, come home!”

Kas said, “maybe one day you will find your way back to each other!”

and I responded with “it’s alright. it’s for the best really.”

I think I really believe that.

How could I ever dislike the drawing you made me? how could you ever think that?It means you love me!

But that being said, I’m probably being an idiot and probably being stubborn, but in truth, my own love is fickle, it’s cruel, it’s maddening, it’s forceful.

I can recognize that love at least, and I think you’re better off without me. I think they all are.

Regret may be my only mistress yet.

Really, Yujin kept far too much of my heart for it to be worth pursuing anyway.

You must all understand.

Actually, no. I dont want that any more. I’m tired of the heart ache and endless regret. I’m moving on.

I’m moving forward. I’m not over it, but I’m moving on anyway.