Too many numbers! I’m thinking about gay giraffes instead.

I’m sleepy and delirious. Quick entry let’s gaur. Uhhh someone died on the train ride home today. This thing happens in my brain whenever awful things take place near me or I experience them. This switch flips in my head and uhhh how do I say? Everything becomes very amusing or funny, I can’t really feel anything besides that. It’s either that or my head is filled with truly sinister ideations, or both. 

I like how it feels. I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’m like mentally ill over the goddamn social media stuff. I wanna like die from the internet yknow? but I’m addicted to the whole experience of it. I don’t really even post the things I like. I get embarrassed when they don’t get a lot of views and then I delete the videos. I often regret deleting them later but I keep repeating the pattern. When I didn’t have the little check mark I was obsessed with getting it, it was all I could think about. Now I’m obsessed with making the big numbers bigger and bigger, infinitely, never satisfied. I wish i could work in like, a bakery and still make enough money to live. What if I worked like two jobs? but two fun jobs. I was learning how to close up the store at work today, so many numbers and moneys, and checks and papers to print and sign. If I sell one phone with a phone plan, that’s 2 weeks of my pay. So depressing! I made a dark joke in the work group chat about the person that died. When that switch flips in my head, I don’t have a good sense of judgment, it’s genuinely funny to me, aaaahhhh!! I wish I knew how to be a human being!