The Merciful

It’s funny yknow sometimes you get where you needed to go even when you’re sure you’re walking a horrid and incorrect path the entire time.

I’ve spoken a lot about how I don’t believe in forgiveness. I think it’s useless, conditional,punishment must be rendered etc.

The thought of forgiveness I think i hated because it made me feel powerless. Worse still, it made me feel like if i just let go of the rage and just let people off the hook without punishment then i was betraying myself. if i let it go then it just happened for nothing and i was just a victim, a sucker who’s suffered so bitterly, so endlessly, for nothing.

My father was endlessly prone to these useless diatribes, quotes, parables, anecdotes etc.

One he threw at me unfortunately stuck; “holding anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”

“yeah well i WANT to die and i’ll kill you with me!” has long been my response to that sort of thing.

i’m happy to dig two graves, i’m giddy at the thought of locking us BOTH in a cage! I

AM THE GLADOWAR!! I WILL BURN,KILL,AND

• destroy.

I hated the idea of forgiveness, I don’t believe in it because it doesn’t suit me. i’m not a creature that forgives, i’m not one to give up power, i tear and rend asunder even at the cost of my very being, i don’t mind burning with the object of my wrath.

mercy however.

to have mercy on a thing you could destroy is different.

that felt better, it felt empowering. to hold a thing in my hands and choose not to destroy it has never really been an option for me, i’m not sure it is even now. i was made for violence, i was ordained to herald ruin but— mercy.

the idea alone is freeing, makes me feel like i can breathe again.

i’m sure i will very quickly turn around and in my wrath take more poison but for now at least, even if only in my imaginings—

i don’t have to be fire.