i wouldn’t run from the reaper

I slept early hoping to get enough sleep and wake up right before I have to head into the bakery. I woke up earlier than I wanted or expected and can’t seem to fall back asleep. I feel a lot twisted up within me, I want to see if I can’t work it out. 

Maybe I’m just tired and hungry and sleep deprived, I feel like I’m clutching on to something and have been for the last few days. I don’t feel relaxed, I think this might be anxiety but I’m really not sure. 

I looked at the thirteen text messages I had to respond to when I woke up and felt a knot in my stomach, I don’t know why, I enjoy everyone I’m talking to. A while ago I would lament how little contact I had with anyone that wasn't from the internet, In fact I just read a diary entry about it from three years ago  so I should be glad to be in the opposite position now. From the moment I wake up to the moment i fall asleep my head is all jumbled. I’m thinking about saving up tons of money and going back out there, traveling when my lease is up, but i have the distinct feeling that if i do that i’ll miss my new apartment and my new friends and that’ll make me sad. But then when I’m here, sometimes it feels like my lease has trapped me and not allowed me to run away the way I want to. But that was the point, i need to sit down and cultivate some quality relationships so i can have a good life. Being lonely forever isn’t good for your health, and it’s all a mindset, i just need to think about things differently, and i really enjoy hanging out with everyone and giving them little treats from the bakery or stuff i cook at home. It makes me really happy, it makes me really happy, it makes me

Anyway, sometimes it feels like i can’t enjoy anything long term. I’ve been thinking about a friend from high school, Kyle B.  Apparently he had a kid with this other girl from highschool and they’re married maybe and looking like adults now. It’s weird to see him be so adult, so “cookie cutter” I always thought he was so cool and seemingly confident , Im genuinely surprised that he’s living such a “normal” lifestyle yknow? But at the same time it’s the sort of life that sometimes I cry about knowing I’ll never have. 

I need to just, I need to just 

i need to

uh 

i need to sleep some more

no, I wasn’t meant for a life of healthy sleep

i borrowed some ritalin, i’ll be fine for the next two days at least

I tell myself “I hope the ache of losing me makes them treat my little sister better” that’s a good bandaid, it holds.