I’m over it, yet the grief lingers

   There’s a meme that came about from world war 2. Soldiers would draw a lil fella with a big nose peeking over a wall, and under it they would write Kilroy Was Here. Apparently the fella himself is named Mr. Chad, it’s a british thing, the americans did the Kilroy part. Put the two together and Kilroy was here. 

  It being credited as one of the first modern memes adds an air of whimsy to it I think, but of course, being the pretentious emo that I am, I am only really looking at the bittersweet or even wistful nature of it. 

“I WAS HERE! I EXISTED! I MATTERED” This sort of thing. I saw it a lot in the city I lived in while attending middle school. I think it was a popular thing all around, (insert name) was here! 

Once in art school a girl that was presumably interested in me, scratched my name into a deck with that same message. I got a bit annoyed, “they’ll think I did it!” 

She later came to behave really shitty towards me because I had a falling out with the rest of the cool kids. 

There was another girl that was part of her clique, who was just awful to me irl, but kept super liking me on tinder.

I never responded. 

Every once in a while I look through my old journal entries and almost can’t recognize myself in them. I simply don’t remember how deeply I must have been feeling whatever I was to have jotted down some of those sentiments. A few years back I read one that was particularly jarring, even to me. 

I was bewildered truly, I simply couldn’t remember or imagine  feeling that way.  I decided that was a good sign, that I was no longer in that place. 

I thought about this a bit as I stood out there smoking today and immediately felt my chest tighten,begin to hurt. This usually happens. That’s the point of it all anyway I suppose. 

Anyhow, perpetually heartbroken as I may have been,I was here! I existed! I mattered!! 

Sinclair was here! 

when you know, you know.