I was born on the floor in Africa.
It’s true! My mother says all the hospital beds were full that day so she did it right there on the floor. Now I’m sleeping on the floor again but in my own brand spanking new apartment! Fitting!
A commenter said they were happy to see me out of the funk, I’ve been thinking and talking a lot about how without that funk, I wouldn’t have felt rock bottom and desperate enough to ask for help, to live with a friend who saved my life by letting me sleep in their walk-in closet, to suck it up through the rough shit (while whining in my blog) etc etc.
It was the catalyst for it all, and now we’re here. So I’m trying to keep that in mind, whenever “bad things” are happening I gotta remember that they lead to stuff like this.
I feel okay right now, happy even. I made a vow last month to never kill another insect again, I’ve had two opportunities to squash some since getting into my new place, but I remembered my promise and didn’t! One of them was so fucking big and had like 30 legs dude! I’m not squeamish of insects but that one truly gave me the heebie jeebies, still left it alone though! All life is sacred and all that!
Also saw the new spiderverse movie, (miguel o’hara had me biting my knuckles to prevent myself from screaming in that theater) I was so impressed with the artistry that I was truly glad to be alive, and hoped to live long enough to see the next one, and the end of one piece also! Just lots of cool art to experience in the world, think that’s my reason for living!
My little sister called me randomly a few days ago and it gave me a heart attack, she never calls or texts back even! I wondered what emergency prompted it! She was at a beauty store asking what bleach to get so she could bleach her leg hairs.
It’s a little awful that my first reaction any time I get a phone call from a loved one is panic that I’m about to get some horrible news. The relief that comes afterward was a nice experience as well though.
Anyway, that’s all to say I’m mostly doing okay! I’m scared about handling all my adult bills and responsibilities now but I’ll work really hard! The place is a physical reminder of the progress that’s being made yknow? I’ve felt like a failure for the last 10 years and somehow physical markers of progress are the only things that remind me that we’re moving forward and doing better.
I also learned that I can’t do anything by myself, so many favors from so many friends and family and just kind people on the internet.
I’m trying to figure out how to respect the darkness, but not be consumed by it yknow? It’s been so much of my personality, the angst, the trauma, etc. That’s all still there, I’m sure I’ll still have days full of them, I’m just trying to make sure that’s not all there is.
Ironically, I’ve very light sensitive, especially these days as summer comes, I never open the shades, the sunlight is far too much for me, even the overhead lights are murderous!
Isn’t that funny?
