Maeve Sullivan’s college essay.

I was friends with this girl Maeve in high school. God I really love that name yknow? Maeve, Mavis, Niamh. I think it’s just names that have V sounds in them yeah. Anyway, I thought Maeve was super cool, and looking back now, I think she’s even cooler, there was nothing particularly about her I was so fond of, I just… I don’t know! What *does* make you enjoy someone?

Maeve was a white girl from the suburbs with a house so big I’d call it a mansion. She had scars like mine, and was constantly entangled with some ex boyfriend. (Yes beloved, he, or they were always black.)

But I’m telling you! Maeve was cool.

Me and her and Brad went to her house to smoke weed and chill once, I only remember being on the porch while the other two smoked cigs and refused to give me one as they advised me it’d be best not to start smoking those too. That’s one memory, another is in our AP English language class when she started off her practice college essay with “You’re probably gonna hate me but..”

The teacher used it anonymously as an example of what not to do, and the class laughed about it.

Another memory, I was in the car with some of my boys, fucked up off something(or a few somethings) , and saw her next to use at the red light in her white car. I never saw or talked to Maeve again after that really.

But I do remember her fondly, I haven’t thought of her in years, but randomly, tonight yeah. Hope she’s alright. It’s a bit worrisome every time I have one of these moments of reminiscence about someone because then the follow up question is

“OH GOD! Do people remember me too?!”

I really don’t want to be remembered at all!

Looking back is most of what I spend my mental energy doing though, and if I’m doing it other people are doing it too. How horrifying. I love looking back at pleasant memories, I love living in them. They’re always much more cozy and pleasant and glowy than the actual event was I’m sure. I’m okay with that though, washing history clean, making it beautiful. There’s an event in the bible where God plans to destroy some city. I think they were real bad boys in there and he had had enough. I think he allowed these two people to flee so long as they promised not to look back at the burning city. Yknow the place that was their home and contained all their memories and their friends and families yeah. Don’t look back at that as it burns. If they looked back they’d be turned into pillars of salt he said.

What do you think happened? OF COURSE THEY LOOKED BACK. True to his word, god turned them into salt. I mean he’s supposed to know everything, so he had to have known they’d look back! Why give them that condition then, why toy with them that way knowing it’s a game they can’t win. Anyway I’m thinking about those two, I think their names were Sodom and Gomorrah. I look back too, and I’m punished with memories that make me rigid and bitter and brittle, like salt.

My dad got me into Jazz, he played me a lotta music but the one that made it click was Bridge Over The Stars by Keiko Matsui.

you’re listening to water colors on SiriusXM

On the way back from the library, or picking me up from kumon.

Yeah, I miss him too after all.