just let go

when i was in elementary school, i was struck with this idea that if i became really famous, then lots and lots of people would be sad when i died.

i never realized until literally yesterday morning how sad and morbid that is. i wonder how alone and neglected a kid has to feel to want that. not even hoping for people to care while im alive, only in death. kooky stuff!

nowadays, i don’t want anyone to feel bad because of me.

with the way things are going however, it looks like that would end up being the case if i stayed the course.

it’s funny, growing up in the areas that i did, it wasn’t uncommon for people, even kids to die. so i’ve known a lot of people who passed in untimely matter.

somehow though, none of them hit me as hard and as quickly as when desmond passed. i didn’t know the guy personally at all, closest connection i had to him was through a friend of a friend but man oh man did that tear right through me.

i miss that nigga like you wouldn’t believe.

first thought that came to mind after the shock was, “i’ll never do that to anyone.” but of course, at the time, i didn’t really understand what it’s like.

these days though, i think i really do.

so im off!

if something bad were to happen to me i wouldn’t want it to be a public spectacle that affects any of you.

i’ll do my best to get better, regain some semblance of stability and lucidity.

till then, have a damn good one.

sorry,space cowboy.