in the video, he was expressing such genuine frustration and hopelessness, but god his delivery is just so fucking funny every time.

on hands and knees scratching at the corners of my room looking for a pill to rob me of my consciousness. i remember dropping a handful a few weeks ago and not doing much to ensure id recovered them all. no such luck. not a single blue capsule to be found.

awake. conscious. not in the slightest bit sleepy yet unable to muster the enthusiasm to do much else besides lay here and think.

or write! the writing helps!

well then, how was today?

i’ve slipped again into a downward spiral, convinced i’m sincerely losing my mind, so the usual.

the relativistic nature of my suffering prevents me from being able to truly honor and acknowledge it.

meaning, i know that without exaggeration or hyperbole, i really have lived a tragic, hyper traumatic and unfortunate life. majorly due to forces outside of my control, i never had a chance for the most part. however, i am not currently being carpet bombed or forced to mine cobalt. i have all my limbs about me, i am fairly able bodied, and hell, to top it all off, people seem to find me attractive!

so i shouldn’t feel so horrible or be in such a state. i feel bad that i feel bad, and feel bad for feeling that i should or shouldn’t feel bad.

catch-22. there is no escape.

[screaming ensues]

on the way to work today i saw a rainbow, a double rainbow in fact! it lifted my spirits momentarily. what secondly came to mind was the bible story about the first rainbow. after forty days and nights of rain & floods as punishment for the misdeeds of his children, god granted is the first rainbow, as a promise that we would never again endure his wrath in such a way.

for the split second before any critical thinking came through, i thought, “maybe this is a sign from god that things will be alright for me after all.”

knock knock.

single functional brain cell here.

quick question:

why does an all knowing, all powerful god subject his creations to the conditions in which they’d earn his wrath and punishment in the first place?

ah yes, of course! silly me!

no matter how far away i get from the church, from my family, from anything having to do with christ, our sadistic lord and savior,still ingrained within me so deeply as to be a reflexive thought-response is the doctrine.

help me! i exclaim knowing ill accept no help at all.

friends, lovers, im exhausted and at my wits end.

there truly is no relief it seems.

picture yourself jolting upwards from bed and saying aloud “why are we screaming?!” because, well… there is a voice in your head just screaming.

if i made the sandwich, that is to say, if my current strife was the result of my own folly, i could take some solace in that.

but it isn’t! as much as i wish it was, it just isn’t my fault! i just got dealt such a (relatively of course, hahaha) shit deck. and god if i haven’t tried my hardest and accomplished so much despite it all.

i just…

i need a break. and some good luck.

but i have no hope whatsoever anymore for any of that.

the sun will rise and i will unfortunately most likely wake up. i’ll go to work, and when that’s over ill go around with my camera filming things for my silly little travel show project.

and all the while i will have thoughts that drive me mad, and my heart will start to give out on me again.

i’ll think about walking blindly into traffic and stop short because i’m probably more likely to be permanently injured and disabled rather than killed.

when i’m crossing the bridge over the canal that connects my neighborhood to the tourist district i’ll stop for a few moments and look down at the water. i know ill simply swim back up and spend hours scrubbing myself in the shower, or that some on looker will call emergency services to come fish me out of the water and perform cpr, adding to my already insurmountable medical debt.

then i’ll come back home, scroll through the footage i got and think “it’s amazing that i can feel so horrible in such a wonderful, beautiful, magical place”

i’ll think about my ex, i’ll think about my miscarried child and how ill never have another chance at making my own family, i’ll think about my failed transition, and the ten other horrible things that far outweigh the list of positives i can count.

then if im lucky ill fall asleep wishing it would be for the last time.

or maybe i wont be able to, and ill write another dramatic, edgy blog post.

my dinner was at least, cheap, plentiful and delicious though.

that was nice.

post script

ilovesmokingmidtv in a now deleted video said “i talked to my mom for the first time in 6 months today and the only thing i could think of to say to this 60 year old lady was “im cooked”. i know his despair very well, yet i can’t help but laugh.

i was struck with a thought earlier this week that perhaps i take life far too seriously.

of course, the next rational thought is “is this insanity?”

now i’m getting psyched out and afraid by the noise my curtains are making, rubbing against things as the breeze flows through.

panic!

dear god, it is me: your once favored and most special child. please kill me. i don’t want this gift any more, i am tired and i want to rest. please hurry lest i do it myself. in your holy name i pray, amen.

something like that.

anyway, think ill head on down to dominoes innit?