sorry mom and dad

as she was leaving she asked if she could take a photo of the corner of my room.

my disorganized mix of sad poetry, religious and philosophical texts, incense ashes, my bare tree, empty bottles of alcohol, wrapping paper from christmas with butterflies on it, my longboard, the peacock feathers.

“it really is so you”

i walked her out of the building and got back to work on my video essay.

to love something so intensely, to so desperately want it to succeed, and to so consistently be disappointed. sorry mom and dad.

that’s me talking about cyberpunk 2077. it’s really not that serious I know but, I did actively wait ten years to play that game, watch it come out in its horrible state, defend it tooth and nail and then spend 214 hours working on a love letter of a video for it, only to be slapped in the face and spat on by the ending well….

anyway.

i must confess despite all those hours this is the first time im finishing the game, i always gave up on it because the experience of playing it was unbearable, or new, much more fun games would come out that would take away my time and attention.

all well, i could go on and on about it, point im getting to is its my first time finishing the game all the way through, and I accidentally chose the most abrupt and unsatisfying ending: the one where you just kill yourself.

the credits roll and you watch video messages the NPCs you were close to send. it was very painful, but i also thought “how fitting”

as for the sorry mom and dad part, the original idea for this video im working on was that i saw a lot of myself in the story of cyberpunk, and i wanted to use the game as an engine to talk about some life experiences and stories i had. thats not what the video will be any more but, from the very beginning of this project i felt like my disappointment with the game must be how my parents are disappointed in me.

speaking of my parents, my father sent an email to my oldest account, and somehow i saw it. “wish you the best life” as the subject, and in the attachment, a little 2024 e card.

I responded “thank you, hope everyone is well”.

he hasn’t responded.

why does it sound like hes saying goodbye? he’s had my email this entire time? why didnt he reach out on thanksgiving or christmas ?

im tempted to text him, of course i have their numbers memorized

“i got your email, thank you, i hope everyone is well, i apologize for my absense, its just that i know you wont be able to abide by the lifestyle choices i’ve made for myself”

but it wouldnt end there, and hed have my new phone number, so on and so forth.

i could howl.

i saw it the morning after new years, her and i had spent the night fucking like rabid animals, i mean really, i’m actually shocked at the way it was. in the after glow we were joking around and laughing at various memes when she showed me her favorite one.

somehow, morbidly coincidentally, it just so happened to be my ex’s favorite video. they’d both play it over and over and over again just absolutely rolling around in stitches laughing their little heads off.

i was a bit quiet the rest of the night.

something something something and so mom, dad, jessica, yujin, my family. i hope my absence will bring you the peace my love could not.

so on and so forth, something dramatic like that.

there’s this song i’ve been listening to lately

the chorus goes

“no i don’t wanna be anyooooooooonneeee aanymooooooore”

stuck in my head! bleh!