Talking about you in therapy
122722 Boston Logan Airport Boston
011923 Radisson Blu Hotel London
It’s funny I remember the day we last saw each other and the day we broke up but not the day we first met. Sometime in June or July I know that much. I wonder if that’s why it’s been on my mind again, same time of year. I could spin some nonsense gossamer fairytale about it to myself yknow like “I don’t remember the day I met you because it actually happened many eons and lifetimes ago” some faff like that.
The more likely reason is my overall callousness, but when I close my eyes I still see that live photo of you sitting on the shoreline,waves coming to say hello, or maybe coming by just to admire your face.
2 years speeding towards 3 later, doesn’t hurt so much. Nothing does really, most of the time anyway. I just feel dead. Not in a maudlin way, just very matter of fact, banal even. Something is different though y’know, I wouldn’t say I’ve changed necessarily, maybe I just know better now. These days if something is important to someone, even if I can’t really empathize with why or understand it, I know that’s all that matters. That it’s important to them and if I say I love them well then that’s it.
I don’t love anyone though, don’t know how, so it don’t matter.
I said that same thing to the therapist though, that I’m glad for every bad thing in my life that ever happened because it led me to you. I think that’s still true.
I don’t really know what truth is anymore either.
I think another thing is that, I don’t really wish we were still together anymore. I mean I’d love to see ya, I’d love to talk to ya, I’m still in love with ya, in my mind you’re still my husband but—
Well I really haven’t changed much. Become more monstrous even. As I write this I see myself in my minds eye as a pile of rocks. My voice is made of gravel. Yknow despite my monstrosity or perhaps even because of it ,I’ve come to really like myself. I guess that’s new too.
Ramblings of a mad man.
I guess when I said you’d be my last one way or another I meant it seriously.
Hey hang in there alright? rootin for ya.
Don’t remember what your voice sounded like anymore, don’t recall your laugh either. That one stings the most. In fact I don’t know who you are at all anymore huh?
Yet still, rootin for ya. Love you.
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