3pocrypha prelude

1.

Lamb, red skinned potatoes, mushrooms, basil, beef broth, garlic. Lamb seared in cumin, star anise and other spices, roasted with garlic. Simmered a la beef stew. Four people fed.

2.

Shrimp, hot italian sausage, jambalaya seasonings, scallions. Three people fed. A few orgasms to follow.

3.

Classic spaghetti & red sauce. Tomatoes diced, garlic, sheared paper thin, basil leaves: chiffonade cut, pinot noir reduced into the sauce,spaghetti boiled with black pepper. Two people fed.

4.

Salmon,skin separated. Flesh marinated in ginger, garlic, soy sauce, mirin. Mushrooms, seared in butter, salt. Red skinned potatoes, boiled for an hour, garlic nearly charred in butter, potatoes mashed with nearly charred garlic, milk, butter, ,MSG. Salmon skin dusted with MSG, let sit for an hour, fried till crisp, cut into chips. Two people fed.

Cook, clean, cum, caress.

“and afterwards?”

I still feel like

“a monster”

less than human.

I don’t know what I expected. I was thinking at some point during all this, something like “wow, Im doing all this of my own volition, for no other reason than I want to, I enjoy it, it makes her happy, am I really so bad?”

This apartment is too big. I still feel very lonely. I jump from person to person, from distraction to distraction but tonight I have no escape routes. I can hear the party next door starting. Tonight I feel like Qaelihd. An hour before she told me she was coming over, I was hanging myself.

“Again?”

Yes.

“When your birthday passes you’ll officially be over that whole chunk of each year that’s so horrible right? you’ll be free!”

No.

“How do you figure?”

I forgot Jessica’s birthday.

“Oh.”

“there will be hell to pay”

She says my cooking is alchemy

If I am the alchemist, I feel doomed.

and now, I feel fine, like everything is going to be fine, like everything will work out.

Within an hour, such extreme swings, such constant fluctuations.

I can’t be relied upon at all.

I feel I should shut up, I feel I should hide.

On youtube

arvo part salve regina

12 :55 seconds of Béla Tarr’s Sátántangó

lay down under the tree, just the same way

go to sleep

don’t wake up

the party is getting loud.

“Go to the party! be with people!”

I can’t!

“why not!?”

You know in the way that every one likes to joke that I’m a vampire, this time one rule is very apt actually

“which one?”

doorways, invites, so on, so forth.

“ah that concludes it all then”

yes