to the real sinclair

You rise against me? I am screwing the vise tighter, that's all. I will break your bones until there is no longer a trace of hardness there. For I want to get along with you I must--damn you- you are my I, which I must carry around with me to the grave. Do you think that I want to have such foolishness around me all my life? If you were not my I, I would have torn you to pieces long ago!

sure sure,anyway i just woke up from an interesting dream. first time I’ve dreamt of them in so long. We were at a cross walk in front of a flower shop in some city, we were together again.we were talking, having fun, good conversation, you started jokingly alluding to how i ruined things. in that moment,some group of white broccoli hair cut frat dude bros were walking by when one of them suddenly slapped his hands on to your hips, then walked into the flower store. suddenly i couldn’t hear anything, not the noise of the city, not your voice, nothing, as i took massive strides towards the store. you stopped me and held me there, i assume you were talking me down but i couldn’t hear your voice, you must have been behind me because i couldn’t see you either, my peripheral vision had stopped working.As soon as you took your hands off of me, I striding forward again, I was in the flower shop walking towards him. I destroyed a yellow rose, and then started raining gruesome violence upon the young man. I had been let off my leash and I was enjoying it. A flurry of punches,knees,elbows. I dragged him by the legs and slammed his head on to the wooden bench inside the store. Time logic didnt manifest in dream consciousness so suddenly I was back at the beginning of the confrontation and drop kicked him twice. then I stood on his chest and jumped, thrusting my legs into his by then pulpified chest cavity. I could hear again suddenly, a woman was screaming to one of the other guys about where her kid was. He was sitting by the bench drawing with crayons, undisturbed, seemingly unaware of the cathedral to violence the place had suddenly been transformed into. I stepped outside, I didn’t bother looking for, calling or texting you, because I knew by then that you’d gone, and had left a sense of permanence in the air at the cross walk.

it’s time you learned that everything serious that you planned with yourself is also laughable, that everything fine is also brutal, that everything good is also bad, that everything high is also low, and that everything pleasant is also shameful. But the deepest hell is when you realize that Hell is also no Hell, but a cheerful Heaven, not a Heaven in itself, but in this respect a Heaven, and in that respect a Hell.

once in front of a disciplinary officer in university i had been tasked with explaining why i’d threatened violence upon a group of (to be fair, complete assholes most people on campus hated) after i’d blown up their party and ended it. (they were on my floor in my hallway next to my dorm playing incredibly loud music very late on a sunday night when we all had significantly long lectures and studio classes the next day) apparently i did and said a lot of things i don’t remember, things i wouldn’t have believed if you’d just told me but there was a video. i sincerely actually don’t remember most of it. i told the officer, where im from, violence is the way things are solved, from my mother to classmates to strangers in those particular projects, violence, or at the very least the threat of violence, is the be all end all.

violence is all i know.

Because I wanted to give birth to my god, I also wanted evil. He who wants to create an eternal fullness will also create eternal emptiness.You cannot undertake one without the other!

Yes, I’m beginning to understand. A few years back, I was with a girl who liked to be choked till she was a second away from passing out. We did this fairly frequently, often outside of the context of sex even. It only strikes me now that the memory of such visceral acts must have been burned pretty strongly into my memory because I once had a dream when I was with her that we were engaging in that favorite little game of ours when well, I was off my leash again. I woke up with a jolt and teleported away from her off the bed. “ARE YOU OKAY? ARE YOU OKAY? DID I HURT YOU?!!!” she looked at me with so much confusion and concern. She said she was fine and that I didn’t touch or hurt her. I had real trouble getting back in bed, touching, or being near her for some time.

When I was explaining to that officer, that violence is all I know and what the origins of that are, there was a background process of thinking going on that bore some more tiny little clues to me further expounding on the realization I had some years back while tripping on acid excited to go see my girlfriend: sex and violence feel like the same thing to me. love and violence also feel like the same thing to me. that’s….sad.

”i want my lover to murder me, ideally that’s how i go out”

“i want someone to beat me within an inch of my life and then take care of me afterwards.”

how have i been so blind to myself?

Christ sent what is beneath to Hell, since it strives toward the good. That had to be. But the separated cannot remain separated forever. It will be united again. Because we know that too far into the good means the same as too far into evil, we keep them both together.

so I am here because we wanted to be good? okay. It’s fine, i already decided we should become true friends, perhaps even lovers of a sort.

agonizing pleasure,my heart is filled with wild battle. The waves of dark and bright rivers rush together, one crashing over the other."

i love you

i love you