an awful idea
god i need a cigarette
that was the title of the first entry of this blog yknow “an awful idea”
the second one was “god i need a cigarette” with a bunch of exclamation points.
years later, full circle.
still rings true, this blog is an awful idea, and i really could use a cigarette.
i’ve just learnt you can’t door dash cigarettes, it’s a shame, i have like 20 bucks in doordash credits from earlier in this week when i complained to them that my order was completely ruined because it took so long to get here (it was fine, tasted even better cus i got a full refund along with those credits though)
so what have we learned after these hundreds of entries?
i’m a bad person
i miss my exes
i hear voices or am many different entities
i desperately want to kill myself but don’t want to ruin my little sister’s life right before she heads off to college
did i mention i desperately desperately want to be dead?
was gonna say i hate myself but uh yknow actually i just feel sorry for me, i could have done better sure but considering the amount of abuse and misfortune i’ve endured
my life is in shambles but that’s alright
i have truly no hope of ever being whole
all that is fine i guess.
next time someone asks me how i’m doing ill tell them im okay so i don’t saddle them with the emotional labor of dealing with me and my bullshit.
there’s no amount of love or compassion that can satisfy me anyway, i’m an endless void, a vacuum that can never be filled, im a shell pretending to be a human being, im nothing. there’s nothing within me, so why bother.
fuck off. just fuck off Sinclair. fuck off. fuck you, fuck off.
fuck you.
fuck you.
i get it, i really do, but it’s not an excuse, people have been through worse and still chosen to be decent human beings. you’re a parasite, a parasitic monster, and the best thing you can do is to just GO AWAY!!!
GO AWAY!
but also, it’s chill.
Person I was flirting with today said “I like em a little broken” in regards to me.
a little broken they said.
a little broken.
god, i hate being alive, i hate being me.
but it’s cool.
it’s chill, it’s alright, you’re alright, just go to sleep.
it’s cool.
