what sort of porn do you watch

P.

“close your eyes for a second”

I say this often when I have someone over. It’s only ever because I’m about to turn on a light, and if their eyes are closed while the light goes on, the pupil has a much easier time adjusting, you see some light will still filter in through closed eyelids, making the transition a lot smoother.

Some people, a lot of people actually, simply immediately close their eyes.Its a very trusting thing to do, closing your eyes. It’s why a lot of animals yawn with their eyes open, have to maintain watch for dangers. When I was younger I trained myself to yawn with my eyes open too. Every once in a while though, some people freeze, and they say “why!?” and look at you with darting eyes.

Realized the other day that I’m always paying attention to stuff like that, trying to glean information from every minuscule tell I can perceive. Why? well at the root of it, I’m scared and want as much info to operate on and predict events I’ll need to find protection from. Crazy how much that behavior permeates my life.

In college I would do a similarish sort of thing, whoever I was with in an elevator or at a table or something, whatever one on one setting, I’d say, “give me your phone” and yknow what’s interesting? like 97% of people would without question. Much higher rates than with the light switch. In fact I can only remember one person that said no, we laughed and had a chat about how weird it is that people so readily hand over their phones.

By definition we’re all sort of cyborgs already with how dependent we are on personal tech. Phones are second brains, third eyes, etc etc. I don’t think that’s a bad thing at all, it just makes it even stranger to me that people are so willing to just hand it over, unlocked, everything about them there for the taking.

Recently I’ve been rewatching these tiktoks over and over and over, this person plays this character “incredibly nonchalant skater girl/friend” I’ve always been keen on these sorts of characters so it’s nothing new but what is interesting to me is that the comments are FILLED with many people going on about how attractive they find this sort of attitude/personality.

I’m really curious about why that is. I mean the immediate surface answers might be that a personality like that signals stability, happiness etc, and of course we’d be drawn to stuff like that. Maybe it is that simple, I feel there’s something more to it but I don’t quite know.

Another interesting thing about it is, the character reminds me very much of my current bed mate as I blogged about a few nights ago.

“The universe has a sense of humor. I fought so hard against having you in my life, turns out you were the exact sort of person I needed to be around”

was my response when we were talking about her very laid back personality. How it’s the main reason she’s been in my bed for a week. It’s rooted in some darker things yknow? It’s a really hard lesson to learn, I think a lot has to happen to a person for it to be baked in their minds so thoroughly that they may just be helpless against most circumstances so their default response to every new situation. I wonder what sort of dark things led nonchalant skater girl to be that way? It’s not a question I think about when I meet people immediately.

Rather, one of the first things I wonder about people when I meet them initially is what sort of porn they watch. A persons porn profile tells you a lot of really great info about them doesn’t it?

I watch a lot of bondage/bdsm in general. I watch a good amount of J.O.I videos, the sort where they give you instructions and make a lot of eye contact with the camera. Occasionally I watch cuck porn, I’ve cucked a few people, I self insert as the “bull” as they say. There’s something about fucking someone’s love in front of them that I like, in a sick way, I really love to make people jealous. To me that says, “I need you to prove constantly that you love me and want me and choose me over even your most scared bonds.” Yknow? lots of psychoanalysis to be done with the sort of porn people watch. The sort of things they self indulge with.

I remember reading a study once about porn, it turns out when most men are watching it, they’re usually focused on the face of whichever actress is their current object of desire. The face, not the tits or the ass, but rather the face. Apparently the psychology behind this is, “looking for signs of real intimacy and pleasure”

It’s also the reason amateur porn is so much more popular than professionally shot stuff.

I personally can’t watch any professionally shot porn, it somehow always looks dry, even when they douse themselves in oil.

If I can’t see wetness and seminal fluids I can’t get turned on, I don’t know it just doesn’t work for me.

What sort of porn do you watch? I’m dying to know, really, dying!

post script:

We were watching tiktoks on stream when we came across one of a badminton pro just whacking some birdies into cardboard. They’d get lodged in there like darts or bullets. I found it very arousing, I think people thought I was joking, but I wasn’t. I questioned why it was that badminton was arousing me, that’s so strange and so funny. After a while of thinking I realized it’s because the way she would whip the birdies with such force reminded me of the way my teachers used to whip us in front of the class.

I remember the day I referenced very distinctly. I stood there and acted like it didn’t hurt. It was horribly painful. I had learned how to act like a man though I suppose. My mom likes to tell a story of a teacher I had who was always particularly brutal to me, always punishing me. When confronted the teacher said she had no idea why she just found me particularly annoying, and the teacher was fired. I don’t remember this, but I do vaguely remember the teacher. It’s stuff like this yknow? I sit there and wonder what effect it had on me. I was so young, I was so small, I was so sensitive, my mother always complained about how people frequently mistook me for a girl. I just, why was I getting brutalized so constantly? and how am I expected to live as all this unravels within my memory. I feel like I never had a chance, they were killing me from the very first days.

“yet you live, yet here we are”

Yes it’s true, me and all the monsters in my head that keep me company. We still live.