takotsubo’s cardiomyopathy

My father sent me an email on new years, was the first time I’d heard from him since the summer preceding. I debated with myself quite a bit before deciding to respond thanking him and expressing my well wishes for everyone, he didn’t respond.

I sent him a text for the first time since summer as well, telling him to be careful with his health as I’d had quite the harrowing nightmare that he was ill. In my madness I’ve come to believe that my dreams are prescient, so I felt I had to warn him; his life was after all, at stake.

Again, he did not respond. It’s interesting, until I started to write today’s entry, I’d forgotten about this particular thing he does with me, he’s always absent, he never responds. I asked him about it once and he said he just doesn’t know what to say often so he doesn’t respond. I mean, I guess, but it would be enough to say “okay thanks”

We were having a sort of “all cards on the table” confrontation once where I brought up how badly it could have turned out when he called the cops on me for dropping out of high school. He said something like…. how did it go? I can’t quite remember verbatim, but the sentiment was that he felt he’d made a pretty bad mistake, so he figured he’d just leave me alone from then on. I didn’t meet him until it was too late, so I didn’t think I’d care much, but I have to admit, I often burned with jealousy watching him raise my little sister. He pampered her and actively pined after, sometimes even begged for her time. I was lucky if he said more than “hello” to me once during a 48 hour period. My mother’s cruelty was like a brand new, hyper fine razor, my father’s blows were more bludgeoning, I would tell you now that they hurt all the same. I miss him, but I once saw a picture of him at the beach, young and skinny, arms spread far apart, huge smile on his face. I’d never seen him look like that before, and immediately I understood that it was my fault his life wasn’t like that anymore. What a wretched first born to have after all. It’s all very tragic. I pity him, I’m angry at him, I’ve missed him my whole life. It’s a bit tiresome to walk around harboring such contradictory feelings. It permeates all aspects of my life.

I’m horribly embarrassed every time I see a video of myself, I wish not to be known by anyone at all, and yet I can’t seem to help but constantly be bombarded with new ideas and in the blink of an eye find myself editing and posting them. And then, watch them fail as the numbers dwindle continually, and feel ashamed and embarrassed, and wish not to be known or seen by anyone at all. The cycle repeats itself indefinitely. Every once in a while, one of the videos successful, and then Im seen by hundreds of thousands, if not millions of people, there I am again, wishing not to be known.

Im so often horribly lonely, Im desperate to be near my friends, but I always come to find that Im doing my best to isolate myself. Working impossible shifts so no one sees me come and go. By the time it gets to be too much, and I call out for them, they've fallen out of love with me, the novelty has worn off, I then have to go elsewhere, and start over again, with new friends, and hope I don't inevitably do the same thing again.

As the racist chinese overseer stationed in Africa said, "it's all so tiresome."

I was going to say, the worst part is that it's all my fault, but it isnt! I watch people complain about their fathers and then pick up facetime calls to engage in jolly banter with them. Even if it's all pretense, at least you arent forgetting what everyone youve ever loved actually looks like. At least you arent forgetting your native language because you have no one to speak it with.

You have no one to speak it with because you say you hate your country men, and yet when the hi life music your dad used to play so much shows up on your tiktok feed, your heart aches, you yearn for home and for your mothers mediocre cooking, and the african coast line, for the beaches and those same waves that picture of your father was taken in front of!

I yearn for my father and his voice deeper than thunder.

I miss my family

I miss my friends

I miss my animals

I miss my lovers

I miss myself

Oh gods Im so horribly alone, the way my heart aches, I feel I may just drop dead.