Pfefferneusse at the precipice of madness
The current oscillation works like this.
Pressure builds. It’s a few things that would be enough on their own, all at once, each taking their own bites.
Death by a thousand cuts, you’ve heard of this yes? a war of attrition.
Bite bite bite bite cut cut cut cut pressure pressure pressure.
Hey God you’re really fucking pushing me here! Ease up a bit!
Bite bite bite.
Okay!
Now I’m trying over and over again, tying a chord around the metal pole in my closet and then around my neck. When that doesn’t work, around the door knob.
Pressure pressure pressure builds builds builds and thennnnnnn
Ease, the pressure is there but I can’t feel it. Now nothing matters, I don’t care! I’m in a good mood actually!
The trouble is, I’m just as, if not more liable to blow up my life and everything I’ve been working so hard for the past few [insert period of time since the last episode]
Just waiting, for that one person to say one thing to me that’ll justify my explosion.
The bitch manager at work or the lazy coworker who somehow has the gall to be so demanding.
A train ticket across the country is 189$ currently.
The 21 hour flight to the farthest place I can think of wanting to go is around 2,500$
Calm down calm down let’s go to sleep!
I can see the scary alien from that movie in the corner of my room. My imagination is too vivid for peaceful rest.
I’m having dreams that hurt, or nightmares that make me want to run into traffic screaming.
WHY!
I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING TO DESERVE THIS!
It’s so…yknow?
You guys wouldn’t blame me right?
I can’t take itttttttt
Oh but what if I can!
So on and so forth.
You understand right?
Anyway, I have to go portion the croissant dough
when I was growing up, I realized my greatest fear in the whole wide world was that I would go crazy one day
Isn’t that hilarious?
They always told me I was prescient
My mind was with God
But when the madness quiets, when Mara walks away, satisfied with this hour’s torment I think: “I can do this, I can take it. It’s just a test, I can try again! I won’t make those same mistakes! There’s hope!”
That accursed thing.
So I get up, and run back towards the fire.
Someday soon the wind will blow, and all that will come from it, will be my ashes. Till then, like an automaton, I keep on.
