lets play pikmin bloom together
i noticed this morning on the walk to my apartment.
whenever i see people walking down the same sidewalk with their children, i always put my head down and never make eye contact. often, i even cross the street or do a bit of a circle around.
it prompted a memory. a few years ago with my girlfriend at the time. her aunt had just had a baby, Gabriel, and the whole family had gone over to visit. at some point i was asked if i wanted to hold the baby, i refused. she insisted, i refused again, once more, and again i refused.
i never hold babies, i will never hold a baby. sure im afraid of dropping it, or that the intrusive thoughts will win and ill drop and kick it like im shooting for a field goal, but much more than that, it feels… wrong.
“YOU WOULDN’T DARE TRESPASS UPON HALLOWED GROUND”
i wouldn’t want any part of me to rub off on or affect the baby. when i think of myself, in my minds eye i see a shape covered in tar and letting off dark vapors. edgy! sadly, true and sincere too.
i have such a bad image of myself, i genuinely convinced myself that im a monster unworthy and incapable of truly loving anyone, at the same time in stark contrast , i’ve spent an entire year pining after lost love in one way or another, and im not entirely sure thats all quite over with.
that can’t just be attachment can it?
i know the negative things i think and say about myself aren’t true, it seems though that the punishment for my lies is that they become true and affect me all the same. however small or well intentioned a lie it is. fair punishment i think.
when im being gentle and kind to people, i feel like thats really me, but i get lost in so many dissonant whispers i forget that i want to be that way, old scars itch and i lash out, i become a different me.
i want to be gentle and kind and reliable and always feeding people and soft and smell good
above all i really want to be a mom. insane behavior, insane thing to say. maybe next life.
there’s a journal entry scheduled for my birthday, i look at it every day and think i should maybe delete it, but then i also wonder what if i get run over by a bus or something yknow? it’d be good to have it posted in case of something like that, it’s sweet i think.
“you didn’t validate my feelings, and you punished me unfairly”
something like that, i can’t deny it.
yknow the thing is, if i were to ever have to explain to my family why i disappeared and never spoke to them
i’d probably say something very similar.
Selfishly still i call, and howl, and send telepathic messages.
Album: I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got
Released: 1990
Artist: Sinéad O'Connor
Nominations: MTV Video Music Award for Video of the Year, Grammy Award for Song of the Year
Genres: Pop music, Alternative/Indie, Pop, UK R&B, Rock
Winnetka winnetka waleska winnetka
A few years ago a therapist told me that you can’t give all of yourself to one person. I was actually offended by the idea in the way. How dare you love if not completely?!
Now I can’t give any part of myself to anyone let alone all of it. No more left to give is my theory. Still fantasizing about women with dimples however.
