taco bell chicken wings and the ability to change
I’ve started seeing a psychiatrist
”oh thank goddddd!!!” the audience exclaims.
Every time you start therapy, (which I have done a lot) they will ask you “what are your goals in therapy, what would you like to work on ?”.
In the past, my answer was “I want to be the kind of person who can be okay in any sort of situation or scenario”. Yesterday, my answer was “ I would like to get to a point where I feel I can survive the day to day. If we can get to a point where every day doesn’t feel like violence, that would be good”.
Or something to that effect.
For weeks upon weeks I’d been desperately searching for a photo of us together, but they were all gone. I knew in the past that I would try to do this, so I often act in ways to get ahead of future me. Often its for my own good, and I eventually commend past me for doing so. This time however, past me slipped up, one of the wallpapers on my phone, from long ago,hidden far below the stack of others I cycle through most often, was a picture of us.
We were in front of Denny’s. The holiday season was approaching. Either we woke up very early or just hadn’t gone to sleep for some reason. We watched the sun rise and then walked there, down the hill from my parent’s condo.
The food at Denny’s sucks, but it was a great time regardless. The vibes were immaculate as the kids say.
Ironically, I hate having my photo taken. I always feel I look beyond ugly, horrid even. I’ll focus on my awful jaw, uneven eyes, awful skin etc etc.
Tuesday morning, I had popped into work on a day off to have a meeting over my beef with the general manager of my bakery. I stood there waiting for the bus afterwards, cycling through my phone wall papers. I wanted to switch to the emo opium one to match the fit.
There it was.
In this photo, perhaps the only photo, I didn’t look ugly. I was beaming. Huge smile on my face, you saw it when you clicked on this. “I wonder if anyone has seen me smile like this since?”
The thought bounced around my empty head. I was stunned seeing it, I almost fell over into traffic. At the back of the bus, where I often sat, there was a man crying into his phone speaking to someone. Blowing them kisses, telling them how much he loved them in spanish. I wondered if someone dear to him was dying and he was trying to make it to their bedside.
I felt my own tears begin to well up, my heart ache. I looked at the photo again. Of course I was smiling like that. I was with my husband.
I’m ashamed to admit I immediately selected it as my wallpaper. Gia yelled at me to delete the photo but I refused to. It was good to see that face again. I had always said they would be my last one way or the other. Lately I’d began to falter on that promise, the photo strengthened my resolve once more.
Sick freak embarrassing weirdo behavior I know. But what can I say? I know I’m insane and cringe and all of it but… well.
Theres a youtube video I watched 8 months ago, it’s titled “taco bell chicken wings and the ability to change”
The guy in it is also an internet personality, and a rather well known one at that from being the face of a few memes. I feel people often don’t take him seriously because of this, but his words always strike me with a certain familiarity. In the video he talked about repeating cycles, making the same mistakes, and ending up right back at square one. For him it was Utah, for me at the time it was in my childhood bedroom.
Thankfully I haven’t ended up back there, and never will, however my life goes. I hope he also makes it out in time.
I made a painting of a frame from that video. It really struck me.
I’m falling asleep again.
You know that one mistki song?
♪ meee and my huuusband, we are doing beeeetterrrr, it’s always been just, him and meeee togetherrrrr ♫
