Apples, again?

  I cwalled my mother today. I think that’s the alarm signal for me, the sign that the water is boiling, when I call my mother. The last time we spoke, she had started to lecture me about finding my way back to god, finding a god fearing woman, on and on and on. I cut her off and told her I didn’t wanna hear the lecture. She said okay and hung up immediately. I felt really bad for it. I texted her and let her know I was just joking around with her, she said she was glad to know because she didn’t want to annoy me. Thats nice of her. I told her on today’s call that I just wanted to check up on her and that I don’t like leaving things on a sour note or on an ending of conflict because you never know, ever talk could be the last time you spoke to someone. “As for that, its true” [roughly translated to english] was her response. Then we spoke about my little sister for a while. About how cool and smart and capable she is. I got a little wistful. After we said our goodbyes and hung up, I thought about how I could never take myself out, how I couldn’t ever hurt my little sister in that way, that perhaps she’s my reason for living. I grabbed my smokes. “You just injected a few hours ago, smoking basically nullifies the effects, and not only that, your risk of having a stroke is increased massively! You could really die out there! Didn’t we just talk about how we need to stay alive for our sister?!” 

One of the voices in my head was making a lot of really good points 

Another me went 

“Yeah but, if I died this way, I’d be free, and it wouldnt be as bad for her as if I offed myself yknow” 

So off I went, to the backyard with my smokes. 

  We have an apple tree back there, first this made me thing of The Seasons Of Arnolds Apple Tree yknow, that book I had as a kid that still exists in the soft place in my heart. I thought something like

“Oh wow, now I have my own apple tree. I wonder if I’ll get to  see it through all the seasons just like Arnold did” 

It felt like the universe was winking at me again. “Its meant to be!” something like that. 

I noticed, some of the apples were fused to each other, or were growing off of another apple

“That’s fucked up” I thought, while taking another drag of my cancer stick. 

Then I realized it probably isnt fucked up at all, that probably happens extremely commonly in nature, I just never see it cus I never take the time to look at apple trees, and the big produce companies will only sell the singular, “perfect” apples. 

Felt like there was some sort of lesson or message there for me. 

  I’ve been watching the new season of that show The Bear its a bit surreal, being a chef in chicago, watching a show about a chef in chicago. I noticed in one episode that a particular character wasn’t holding their knife correctly, the camera kept closing in on his fingers–

Chop

Chop

Chop

I almost couldn’t handle the anxiety. I hold my knife correctly and still manage to get cut at least once a week. It’s interesting then that the character has disappeared from the show for a bit, and I’m thinking about disappearing from my current kitchen. 

  I deleted the dating apps, again? Yeah again. I need to simplify my life, and cut down on the amount of things I need to think about, to worry about. Maybe I need to pour all my energy into a few spots, as opposed to many many avenues. There’s so much that I want to do, but maybe I can’t be good at all of them at once. Maybe I gotta build a foundation, off of what comes easiest and most enjoyable first. That seems like a good idea to me. 

My chest feels tight, in the same way it did that one time two months ago.