Out of my system.

  A few days ago I saw a bug crawling on my wall and squashed it. Almost reflexively. I thought a lot about how I only killed it because I’m afraid it might crawl all over or even into me while I’m asleep. I don’t think the bug has that in mind. I started drawing parallels then, how people behave and treat each other, and how so much of it is rooted in fear.

Maybe it’s not that deep. 

  I felt guilty about it well into the next day, but that made me happy in a way. I always wanted to be the kind of person who would feel bad about a bug dying, and now I guess I am. 

I guess that means people can change. 

  I wonder if that means I can become any kind of person I want to be. I don’t know if I’ve given it enough detailed thought, the kind of person. I know that I want to be kind, and soft. I want to be accepting of things as they are. I want to take things slow and easy. I’m thinking about pretending to be that sort of person. I've been wondering, if I pretend enough to already be that kind of person, would it just stick and become real after a while? 

I think I’ve tried it before, but I always forget. That I’m supposed to be acting differently, that is.

  Demon hand buddha heart they say. I’ve seen this anime a bunch, jesus and buddha are roommates, it’s very pleasant.  I think I’ll watch some more of it as I fall asleep tonight. 

  I hope you are all doing well. 

I really am, very sorry to the bug.

I will never squish a bug again. 

I promise. 

There’s a story about how I was told I’d have power over life and death of animals when I was a kid by my moms cult/church. 

Most of you have heard it already anyway. 

It’s good to leave things on a sweet note. Honey never spoils.