Etoposide
In a sick way, I’m quite excited for the trials and tribulations ahead of me. Here are my predictions:
Firstly, thanksgiving is in two days. I will of course be spending it alone. Two weeks or so later, it’ll be my ex’s birthday. I know my shadows will whisper many horrible ideas to me. Then Christmas, also alone, though I’m used to that by now. New Year’s Eve comes about and still alone I will reflect on the last twelve months. Despite moving to a cool city, getting a lovely apartment and making tons of new friends, as was my greatest goal not but two years ago, I will regard myself as a failure. I’m becoming familiar with how my mind works you see. New years! (Alone of course) As with the last few (with the exception of the most recent (what which I spent staring at fireworks from a German hospital window)) I will go to sleep before the clock strikes midnight,for I cannot bear to start the year full of dread, as is usually the case when I’m conscious. Valentines! Perhaps I’ll let someone in my bed, to harm myself in this way. Four days after, birthday. Still alone I will stare pathetically at my phone wondering if anyone will remember and text me, despite having changed my number and cutting contact with nearly everyone at this point. Very maudlin stuff! Then I’ll say to myself, “Okay this is it! One more year till you’re at the entry way for the twenty seven club!” I’ll spend a while day dreaming about what the year might have in store for me.
Of course, as the man once said: “You plan, and God laughs”
Often, I am laughing along with it. The humor of my situations is rarely lost on me, despite the joke seemingly being at my expense. What can you do but laugh anyway? I don’t want to spend more time than I’m forced to being sad after all.
What will this read like when it all comes to a head? You there, getting to have the experience of not being the one to write this. What does it feel like to read this in the future? Knowing what you do now, with everything that’s happened?
How do I explain this-
I’m really not sad! I’m amused if anything. Like watching a Rube Goldberg machine! Exactly that! That same feeling! Just watching it all happen with a hint of a smile on your face yknow? Exactly that.
I was complaining earlier to myself. Feeling like a fool, feeling like I always have to initiate interactions with my would be friends. Months ago I decided to stop that but today, again I did it!
It’s really lame yknow I feel often I have to come with gifts, offerings, bait. Come I’ll buy you food, come maybe I’ll let you have sex with me, come I’ll do this, I’ll do that, I’ll pay you somehow for blessing me with your time and presence.
It’s really very laughable! Actually, the word I’ve been dancing around this whole session is: “pathetic”
The best ones lost their minds she says!
Don’t even want what’s mine indeed!
I did it on purpose. I petitioned for the night shift position to be created for me so I wouldn’t have to interact with anyone. Now I don’t get to interact with anyone and I wail:
“aaaaaaaarrggghhh woe is me!" I have not seen the sun in weeks! Not in the sky! Not in their smiles! I’ll never catch a glimpse of summer heatwaves in your eyes!” How did it end up like this! Why is life so continuously cruel to me!”
As though everything hasn’t been a machination born from mine own hands.
FOOL!
