a smithsonian documentary from 8 years ago

a wildebeest calf had just been born minutes ago when a lioness approached. its mother fled and the lion stumbled upon the calf. the mother watched from afar while the lion looked at the calf seemingly deciding whether or not to eat it. the narrator declared that the calf’s instinctual desire for warmth and its mother was over riding any sense of peril or danger, as it imprinted on the lioness and snuggled up close to her. the lion played with it a while, eventually the calf was reunited with its mother, spared.

i wondered if it was the luckiest or most unlucky wildebeest calf that day, perhaps many others had been eaten when a documentary film crew wasn’t around to capture the moments. i also thought of myself and my instinctual need for warmth and my mother, and wondered if i too was lucky or unlucky. if my mother was the wildebeest or the lioness itself.

so how was christmas

i can’t say it was bad, was with shania, had a decent christmas stream, managed not to cry

presents? money??

none, but cliche as it seems, watching shan, and angel and [redacted] react to their gifts really was a very fulfilling experience, like that was a gift in it of itself.

any letters or messages from the ones you miss?

none sadly

but stream was good?

yeah, there were a couple of people who came in and dropped the hard r, there was someone who came in and called me mentally ill for being trans, i didn’t acknowledge it but they seemed to enjoy the stream because they stayed and watched the movie with us

sounds like a shit one mate

No it was good, the kind of chapter it would be good to end the book on

been a while since one of those

been a while indeed

for what it’s worth we all love you

i know, thank you. and hey we didn’t cry this stream!

for christmas, i wish for some good luck.

the lion walked the calf back to its mother actually yknow

actually, i wish i could find a way to stop hating myself so much. i can’t bear to wake up again as myself, with my life.

Im sure that’s deeply ungrateful of me, yet still, its true all the same

when he announced his latest film, miyazaki stated that he wished to make a film that would tell kids that it’s not a curse to be born.

i think that’s very sweet of him.

i wonder if it would help me to see it, in this moment i feel that i regret being born.