Giant mirror in my room

I hung out with this girl a couple weeks ago. She took me to a national park up a mountain, and then right after that drove me down to two of her favorite surfing spots. There was something about the sheer grandeur of the nature I was experiencing that felt cleansing. I was truly experiencing the sublime.

Two days ago I left work early. I sat at the beach for the first time in years, almost fell asleep as the waves very calmly sang a lullaby to me. I felt I couldn’t afford to fall asleep there in case one of my co workers or bosses discovered me there. It was only a short walk from my job after all. I got up and wandered around the area, took an almost aimless walk in the direction of my apartment. I ended up accidentally entering some sort of private jungle path. Trees with long dangling vine like branches, beautiful shrubs with massive flat leaves. I just went along with the paths and eventually came out into a park I was familiar with. As I entered I saw that the area was currently experiencing a sun shower. The canopy was so dense where I just was, that the rain wasn’t making it through. So out I came, a sunny sky, gentle rain, two white pigeons flew across the scene right in front of me. Interlude 1 - Piao Zhe (Floating in the air) by The Marshmallow Kisses crescendoed in my airpods. You absolutely have to go listen to that song. Like a bossa nova adjacent style with a talk singing voice in what I believe was mandarin. Really beautiful arrangement, perfect soundtrack to a perfect scene. Suddenly, maybe for the first time ever, I felt like I was correct with the way I was living my life. Leaving work to go sit at the beach and take a walk. The thought came to me that I should work less, go part time, spend more time enjoying things like this. Everything was perfect, everything would be okay.

Near the end of our day together, that girl said something that has really stuck with me. I’m still thinking about it today.

“I’m so glad I didn’t get things I wanted.”

I keep thinking about it over and over. If I’d gotten everything, or even half, or a quarter of the things I wanted, I wouldn’t have been able to experience any of this… this…. these truly perfect moments of existence.

There’s a giant mirror in my room. It’s a sliding door to my closet. My room is the only space I have here. This apartment is literally 3 bedrooms, a bathroom and a kitchen. No living room or anything like that. It’s strange, never seen anything like it. But that means my room is my only space. I spend so much time in here, with the giant mirror.

I tell people I have a phobia of mirrors. Really the truth of the matter is it’s less an irrational fear and more that they make me so deeply uncomfortable that it’s intolerable, I do my best to avoid looking into any mirror for longer than the few seconds or minutes I need to in the mornings to make sure I’m somewhat presentable to inflict myself on the world.

It’s very funny that I’m just confronted with a giant mirror I can’t get away from. I constantly see myself. When I eat, when I change, when I paint, when I jerk off.

All of myself, all the time. I can’t run away or distract myself. I have to live with a visible copy of myself right there 24/7.

The humor of the situation is not lost on me, but it also feels like maybe a bitter but necessary medicine. I’m confronted with my being, I have to live with it, be okay with it, maybe one day truly accept it.

It’s the sort of perfect punchline that leads me to suspect the hand of god. Though I’ve given up being too concerned with that in this current season or incarnation of myself. Temporary as it is. Whatever happens, happens I say to myself. So I stopped praying in the morning, and I accepted the strips of bacon offered to me at work last Monday. It was delicious. Ironically, I’d still pull my tarot cards or consult urim and thummim, my divination stones on matters I couldn’t make my mind up on or was unsure about.

I’m really such a fickle and foolish person, but I think I’m okay with that too.

All that is to say, the last few days have been pleasant. I’m sure things will get stormy again, and I’ll walk into the ocean again, and disappear again, and scare the people that care about me again, but hopefully, I will also get to see amazing natural wonders again, spend time with wonderful people again, eat splendid food again. Maybe even one day love again.

For now though I’m okay with being a broke, wayward, vagabond with no idea what I’m doing with my life. I’m okay with being lonely. I’m okay with my heart aching too. I don’t know why, but it feels fine right now, to just let all that be the case. To only work enough to pay my meager rent and eat ramen or pizza from 7/11 every day (it’s really tasty! and cheap!)

Right now I feel like it’s okay the way things are. Right now.

post script.

Desiring what is absent, we condemn our present conditions. I know this, and it brings me much aid in letting be, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t still painful to think of you every day, to wake up from dreams realizing I may never hear you laugh in real life again.

I’ve forgotten what it sounds like actually. I can’t be sure. That may be a good sign but at the same time, I feel it’s very tragic.

Rainbow reflection.